So over it already...

I know many of you out there have probably thought I dropped off the earth in the past few months since I have gone absent from the blog world for some time...Not the case at all but I just haven't been up to blogging about this subject for a while and still honestly kinda don't want to since it is painful for me but figure I should say something...This has just been really hard to deal with...not being placed with yet...still never getting pregnant...everyone around us becoming pregnant (some without trying/some with barely trying/some not even wanting to be)...or the fact that we still haven't been placed with...yeah I know "pity party"...sorry...

I just haven't been able to deal or think about any of this lately because it just hurts to much and if I feel like this I just avoid what ever I don't want to deal with at all costs (not sure if that has always been best but it has always been my survival mechanism)...so there you have it...Because of this I have been working alot on me...getting through this challenge/struggle/trial/ whatever you call it has taken a real toll on my confidence/feelings/ and my ability to feel optimistic about people and circumstances...I have had to focus my time elsewhere for the moment for my sanity and luckily we have started a new business that has been helping me stay distracted.  Distraction is and always has been a good thing for me...

Now, I know for those of you that read this and know me personally, please do not take this post as a reason to feel sorry for me or try to come up to me and try to comfort me...I am not wired like that and sometimes it makes me feel worse (since it stirs up the feelings) and I don't really like it.  Sometimes, I just need to say how I feel to get it off my chest and go forward and I think that is what this is...

I just was looking at some of my friends blogs and one of them had posted this...I had found it on you tube a while back, but it's so good that I wanted to re-post it...our adoption agency is Itsaboutlove.org and this strong woman placed though them...

Attracting what I want....

I will have to say that even though our placement had failed in July I have still felt incredibly "Nesty" ...this is what my mom has said to me a couple times...I have to admit I feel like I have to get it done and now...Let me explain...All this summer when we thought we were going to be placed with, I was in Kansas City...away from home so I could never even start our baby's room...I had planned to do that this month...But then when we learned that our placement had turned into a failed placement I didn't have to endure the feelings that our nursery was missing that baby...I hope I am making sense...I mean when I think of the baby K was carrying I think of a baby named Axton (this was the name we chose for him) and he did not have a nursery yet so I don't have any feelings of sadness when I go into the room that we have planned for a baby to be in. I truly feel that the Lord planned it that way for me so that I wouldn't have any thoughts of a failed placement or furniture that was meant for him.

I have felt excited about this room and I have felt that their is an amazing girl out there right now that may even be reading this and that is carrying a baby and that this will be their baby's room...I know if I was her I would want to know that the family I was choosing was prepared for a baby...that this family couldn't wait to love and cherish them and that they thought of all the special details for their room and that they wanted it to be just perfect for them.

I am also a big believer in that we attract what we truly want in our lives and I have to make that room be what it is supposed to be...our baby's room...Abbe's sister's room or Abbe's brother's room...Then they will come...We just have to find them, by finding the wonderful woman who is caring for them... She will be one amazing strong, selfless, persevering woman...and I can not wait to meet her. 

I also have to say that when James and I were looking for cribs this summer I was really conflicted about which one...James had said well whatever crib we buy we aren't going to buy a different one later if we have a girl since we were supposed to be adopting a boy...for me this was soooo hard...I didn't want a boy crib for a girl later but I didn't want a boy in a girl crib...uhg...I am very picky and we had decided on a crib but were going to order it in August...I have to be honest I felt like I settled a bit and now I look back and I am thankful that we never ordered it because just this past week I found the MOST BEAUTIFUL crib ever!  A Corsican crib! They are heirloom cribs and people spend a fortune on them.  A lady on Craigslist was selling it and it is absolutely EXACTLY what I would want and perfect for a girl or boy and better yet I got it for an absolute steal and it looks new!  Full price these cribs are just insane!...  I still can't believe what I only had to pay for it for but I know I was supposed to find it and that all of my future babies are supposed to be in it...

I will for sure post picts as soon as I have it assembled in our house and with bedding that I like.  These picts are of it when it was in the lady's house that I bought it from...Of course I will be having a totally different looking room and way different bedding but at least you get to see the crib...At the top of the post are finials which I am going to order different ones than it has so they aren't pictured...This crib had custom ordered airplane finials since it normally has stars but if its a girl I think I want a girly finial...if you want to see the options just google Corsican finials and they are on their site and they can come in any finish.

Again, you must remember the room I set up will be wayyy cuter and this is just to look at the crib only...nothing will be hanging off of it like in the picture...lol

Cake...

So I have posted this story a long time ago but I was reading my friend Elise's blog and came across it again (that is where I read it a long time ago) and it made me feel like I was supposed to re-post it...The story is so true in so many ways and I know that when our cake comes it will be perfect in every way.  This story so reminds me that all great things are worth the wait! -Deanna

  

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!



The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."



The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."


Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.


As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.


Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."


There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breathe. That's all you can do. You breathe and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.


After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.


Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you. If you look, you can see him there."


You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.


You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way... the waiting, the crying, the agony....it's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

On the Lord's road...

 Picture found via online

Well, we are back to where we were...looking for the someone that is carrying the baby that is supposed to be in our family...I know many of you have probably been wondering how I have been doing since letting you know what happened...I figured I have been quiet long enough and I feel ok so I should start by saying that.  This is definately a different journey that we are having to go through and at times it feels so frustrating.  This has made me feel like I am so not in control...this process is hard...I wonder why this was supposed to happen...I mean I know it was supposed to...I know Heavenly Father already knew that this disappointment was going to occur but I also feel like "what was I supposed to learn?"  I have been feeling like maybe we should just do in-vitro to be honest but then when I think of that I feel like "then why did Heavenly Father have us feel prompted about adoption?"

Let me explain my thoughts there a little better.  Since James and I are 100% in working order fertility wise (all tests come back normal and working and on top of it I have carried a child full term), but since we have not achieved even one pregnancy together and that is has been over 5 years of trying to, we are technically considered to have unexplained infertility...but who knows what the real issue is since we have never done in-vitro...we have done other fertility treatment stuff but not the huge one "in-vitro"...recently I have felt really hurt and not in control and my knee jerk reaction just wants to go do it but then my gut keeps making me think "No Deanna Heavenly Father has a plan and all of this is part of it and you are supposed to adopt"...uhg...I mean uhg I can't just fix it now! Not uhg that our baby will come through adoption.  I just want our baby to be here...I wish I was more patient...   

Today, I was speaking to my best girlfriend in the whole entire world, It was her birthday...we have known each other for ever and have been through everything you can think of together...college, partying, dating happiness, death, marriage, sorrow, children, heartbreak,faith, you name it we have gone through it and she is the one person that understands more than anyone I know what it is like to want to go run out and control the situation our way and have to step back and say "ok GOD I know you want me to just stick it out and I know you have better plans than my plans and yes I know GOD I just have to sit back and wait and TRUST you!"  I was kinda venting about all my feelings about this and with her birthday we were talking about the obvious our age and I was just feeling like "Heavenly Father I don't want to be old when the rest of my babies come"...and I told her how I was feeling about the adoption process and the thought with in-vitro and how I was feeling conflicted about it...I said their is a reason I felt prompted and I don't want to go do that when this is what he wants for me...and after all in-vitro could still be unsuccessful...God is ultimately in control...God knows how this next child is supposed to come into our family...She was so great to talk to because at this point she just said in so many words "...well Deanna, I support and love you no matter what, and I know what it feels like to feel unsure of what the Lords will is and the wanting to follow His will...it is hard and I know you just want to do what the Lord wants for you...I know what its like to  feel that the Lord is telling you something and feel frustrated in the process but I do know the Lord knows what He is doing and His way is always best..." 

With that I guess I have a better answer...I have felt unsettled...I have felt unsure...I have felt frustration...I have felt sad...I have felt old even though I know I am still young...lol...but the biggest part I have felt is that I know that the Lord is here for me and He knows how I have felt and how I feel and that this is just part of His plan and I need to learn to TRUST Him even more...In the end it will all be for my good...and for that I am thankful...

Sad News...

So today our caseworker from LDS Family called me and informed us that K has changed her mind and has decided not to place with us...I am not sure how to feel...I feel a little numb at the moment...But I do know that the only feelings I feel is sad and hurt...I do not feel mad or angry with K at all...I know this must have been hard for her and I would never want someone to place with us or make the biggest decision of their life if they weren't 100% sure...I know she never meant to hurt us and that this is such a difficult time in her life.  I wish her nothing but happiness and I do already forgive her for this hurt we feel.  I hope she does find the right family for her baby and that her heart is eased during this time since I know it is so hard.  I know that everything happens for a reason in the big picture and eventually we may know why but we may not and that is ok too...

The hardest part was having to tell Abbe today that K changed her mind and that she wasn't going to have a brother...she so can't wait to have a brother or sister and I already had to deliver this type of news once before already and I am not sure if I can do it again after this one...It's one thing for my heart to hurt but its another to have to tell Abbe something that I know will make hers hurt too...this is a part that I truly detest about adoption, I guess it is like a miscarriage except with this your child feels rejected even when you try to explain it in a way so they don't feel like that...No one can understand what that is like unless they have been there and I would never wish that on anyone...

I am not sure why this is but do know that Heavenly Father has a plan and I guess this is just part of it...I am thankful that I at least was with James and not back in Phoenix yet and with him still in KC to find this out...I know that this "is what it is" and that is why when LDS Family said they were going to re-post our profile unless we wanted some time I said no re-post it...I want it up...I now know that the baby that Kristy is pregnant with was not supposed to be our son...it was not supposed to be and I don't want anything we do (like having our profile on hold) to keep our baby from coming to our family.

Lastly,  I know that everyone (church/family/friends) knows that we had been matched and I know it could be hard to know what to say to me...I don't expect you to know...and I would rather just have you know how I feel so you don't have to ask me questions... that is why I write through my blog because some of this stuff is really hard for me to talk about with everyone at church or friends that I don't talk to everyday but I am thankful I have all of you, even if I don't talk about my feelings re: this all the time with you....hurt is hard and it is one thing I don't ever like to talk about with others until I am way healed and ready...I don't like to feel needy...but at the same time I will say it helps to know you care...that's all you have to say...

12/10/12 Update:
I want you the reader to know that K did in fact reach out to us after this...after she had her son in October...she did still place...she felt horrible and so sorry for our anguish that we suffered when she decided not to place with us...she decided to place with another family because we lived so far away and she felt she would never be able to visit on her own accord...Of course we already had forgiven her...It meant alot to me that she was worried about us and reached out...I was sad that she felt so bad...I know that K and I were supposed to meet...Her son that she placed is in a wonderful LDS family in her state and because we met she was using the agency we referred her to...LDS Family Services.  K is doing well now...and I think she feels at peace with her decision as far as I know...I know this is where her little boy was supposed to be and wish her and her family nothing but the best.

I have also omitted some of the previous posts in my blog in relation to K since they no longer seem appropriate and so that a potential new birth-mother didn't think we were already placed with.

The Road to Adoption...

Hey everyone my Friend Stacey asked me to guest post on her blog so if you click below you can read the post...Thanks Stacey for inviting me!

The Road to Adoption...

Look at this cutie!!!

So is this not the cutest little Lamb Rocker...I found it on Craig's list for $10!  Can you believe that!  Some lady had bought it and had to move and it was brand new...I even had to have my Mom go and pick it up for me since I am out of town currently... I just HAD to have it for the Baby's room!  My Mom even thought it was such a steal!...since technically I haven't really seen it in person..

Before my Mom had taken some picts for me for my blog she held the lamb hostage in her car (lol) since she wasn't quite sure how Paris was going to receive it...She started to growl at it...lol...then it turned to sniffs...lol...she must have thought it was some kind of real animal...

 

UPDATE: So this week "K" has an ultrasound appt...and we probably will learn the sex of the baby!  This is so exciting..."K" is so amazing and we are so lucky to have had her find us...Heavenly Father was definitely doing his part for her and for us....She has been the answer to our prayers for sure...she is amazing...I am also going to be meeting her soon!  Can't wait for that!  And btw thank you all so much for your out-pour of Love and Prayers for us and especially for "K."  I know it has meant sooo much to her!

BIG News!!!

Ok, so some of you may be wondering why I have been so quiet on our blog here...especially since I have still been updating and writing on The LDS Adoption Connection blog...Well I had good reason for it because we have been communicating with a birth-mom!  We will just call her K for now, but after much talking she HAS CHOSEN US to be her baby's family!  I can't believe I am even writing this...well I am...I didn't want to say anything prematurely, so I stayed quiet...I was really nervous due to what happened last November...K actually told us last Wednesday that she wanted us to be the family she places with but I wanted to be sure and needed to have time to absorb ya know...It's not everyday that this happens! 

She found us on Parent Profiles!  So everyone I know if you are trying to find your birth-mom...get on parent profiles!  And update ALL your fields...it matters!

K first contacted us last Monday night and its a funny thing because just that day I was at LDS Family dropping off some new updated birthletter flyers for them and was talking with them and asking is there anything you think I could do more...We have a blog, we have flyers, we have pass along cards, I write for LDS Adoption Connection, I have our blog connected to all my emails, we have a blog button, I am in a adoptive Mom group....is there anything else I can do...I was feeling a little discouraged because we had not been contacted by any birthmothers with exception to what had happened in November...I was having a little pity party in my mind for a bit, even though I knew we only needed ONE birthmother to find us...and we didn't want just any birth-mother...we wanted Our baby's birth-mother..

..And then that night I got this note from parent profiles "Hi, I am looking for a family to adopt my unborn child. Im still looking through families but I just wanted you to know that you are my favorite so far. :) "  Talk about a Tender Mercy from the Lord...I will say I immediately recognized this and thanked my Heavenly Father for this....I didn't know if she would pick us but I did know he helped her do this at that very moment....I will always be grateful for that.  

So here is a little bit more about K...She is due in the fall which couldn't be any more perfect with James' work schedule...Not many Father's get the opportunity be with their baby and spend months at home with them when they are first born...I am so excited for James and I to share this...Abbe is excited too and has been praying for K every night... K lives in South Carolina, she has a southern accent even when she writes and loves country music and mexican food like we do...she also is way funny and sarcastic, like us! We don't know the baby's sex yet but will know here very soon...I think it is more exciting not knowing and then getting to find out with her...She is truly an amazing woman, who I already feel so much love for...She is so strong and courageous, so selfless and most of all trusts in the Lord.  We are so thankful to her and grateful for her...I can not express that enough...

p.s.  the picture is for K...

Little Currant Bush...

I don't know if any of your were like me but I loved the talk that Elder D. Todd Christofferson gave at this April's General Conference entitled "As Many as I love, I rebuke and Chasten."  Now many of you may be thinking how does this have to do with Adoption already and I will get there...lol...In this talk he speaks about a farmer and a little Currant bush that was on the farmer's land and that the farmer had to prune down this bush because it wasn't reaching it's potential and then related it to chastening.  

He states:

Divine chastening has at least three purposes: (1) to persuade us to repent, (2) to refine and sanctify us, and (3) at times to redirect our course in life to what God knows is a better path.

When I heard this talk this year it totally hit me...I am that currant bush...There have been so many times that I have wondered "Why are you doing this Heavenly Father?"..."We are doing what we are supposed to do and just want to build our family"...(I am sure many of you can relate)...but then I realized (in an awe moment) that I am needing to be redirected to his plan...his plans are better than mine...even if they are hard for me to see or I feel like how can it be at times, they always are. 

He later goes on to state:

"Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."

... Their faith was immeasurably strengthened by their experience, and ever after they enjoyed a special bond with the Lord.

 The struggles of infertility are enough to try even the most patient people but the rewards that we will have from the struggle are like Elder Christofferson said "immeasurable."

He states:

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us.

Struggles bring us closer to Heavenly Father.  I know that this path of infertility and adoption  leads to special gifts that some others will never get to experience spiritually.   We are being refined and purified so that when we do receive these gifts we are ready and can appreciate them.  He wants us to reach our full potential and sometimes we must be cut down like the little currant bush in order to do so...

Compassion...and showing up...

So Last night I got to meet up with my girls...who are my girls you may ask?  Well they are a group of girls who are hoping to adopt and some have already adopted...there are 6 of us.  We have been meeting up since about September last year and have been meeting up pretty regularly since then. 

I just love these women so much...I don't know how to explain it but we really share such a special connection and last night we were talking alot about the Gospel and adoption and how this journey has helped all of us to be more compassionate. 

I just looked up the definition of compassion and here is what it said:

Compassion (from Latin: "co-suffering") is a virtue —one in which the emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy (for the suffering of others) are regarded as a part of love itself, and a cornerstone of greater social interconnectedness and humanism —foundational to the highest principles in philosophy, society, and personhood.

This is exactly what we feel when we are with each other...all of us are at different stages in this process and in our lives but together we have so much to offer each other.  They all have helped me so much and all of us at one time or another was hesitant to come to our meet ups...Not because we didn't like the girls but because we were struggling in some way...but the funny thing is, is that we always go and then admit to the others how we felt and how we were so thankful we showed up.

I guess the hardest things in life sometimes is the "Showing Up" part. 

LDS Adoption Connection: Beautiful...this video is...

I had posted this video on  LDS Adoption Connection this week and I just love it so much I had to add it!

Prayer Trading in Adoption

So last night I came across a DVD that I had gotten at the Adoption Conference that James and I attended for our certification to Adopt. It was a copy of the FSA 2009 National Conference...What a little gem this has turned out to be for me...

The Key note speaker was Troy Dunn (The Locator)...His story and testimony of Adoption is pretty cool...His mother and his youngest brother were both adopted. What struck me the most is what his Mother always said to him and his siblings,

"She said, 'There is something that is called prayer trading, and we're going to trade prayers with somebody. Somewhere out there is a girl praying for a good family for her baby. We are going to pray for a good tummy with a baby in it, and we are going to answer each others' prayers.' "

She said that they were looking for someone to "Trade Prayers" with their family in their quest to find his brother Travis. He said now they always call it "Prayer Trading."

What a cool way to look at it! We as adoptive couples pray to have a child come to us, to have a birth-mother choose us and at the same time a birth-mother prays to find the right family for her baby and to have the courage to place her baby with that family. We pray for a baby to love and she prays for the baby to know that she loved them SO much that she placed them for adoption. It is truly is Trading Prayers...both prayers are answered...

IT IS... ok to feel...

Well, I was sitting here and thinking and realized I have had something change in me recently. All of a sudden I feel not afraid to put it out there...let me explain. When we first decided to adopt I was scared and embarrassed to talk about why we had decided to adopt...I don't mean we had any issues with the part of loving a child as our own that we adopted...I mean more of the part of having to talk about my feelings and with strangers, having to say that we have issues somehow in the reproducing department, especially when you are in a ward like mine which could be known as a baby factory..lol. I didn't want to have to tell anyone I was hurting or feel as if I was the one with the problem needing the ear.

Now you have to understand that I am the friend that is typically the "tough girl" emotionally. I love to talk and I love to tell it like it is...I have no problem sharing how I feel about someone or something and showing affection. But, when it comes to sharing my insecurities or a not so obvious problem with anyone...now that is really REALLY hard for me. It's even hard sometimes for me to tell my Mom when I feel sad unless it is obvious. I have always been the type of girl that ran as fast as I could away from having to think about something that is emotionally sad for me. I have been the master of distraction in this department. I have been through alot of difficult things emotionally and gotten thru with it being the tough girl. But with this I can't be. I have to think about it...If I avoid it I won't have what I want and my children may not get to me.

At first I was unsure how to talk about it or acted like I didn't really care about certain stuff (code for me not wanting to feel at the risk of feeling sad)and just felt like we will just do what we can and go on...but now I feel like, "why was I like that?" Maybe because I didn't feel I really belonged in the group with the other couples hoping to adopt or who had adopted since I had given birth to a baby before.

I felt like why would someone want to pick us to care for their baby if there are people who have never had a baby and I had? Even though James has never had the baby experience why would they want us since we have Abbe? (Abbe was 4 when James and I met) I felt bad for having felt what it was like to have a baby...I felt like I didn't deserve to be with these other women who some know why they hadn't conceived.

But, what I have realized is that all of us that are wanting to Adopt, all have worthy reasons. I have realized that IT IS ok to be sad that I can't for some reason conceive a child with James and that I wish more than anything that we could but know that is not Heavenly Father's plan right now. I have to remember that IT IS ok that I feel sad that when I think about when I had Abbe that not everything was perfect or ideal. That IT IS ok that I wish I could have been in a more prepared state when I had Abbe. That IT IS ok for me to feel sad at the thought that I would have savored every moment when I was pregnant with Abbe if I had known I may not ever have that again. IT IS ok that I feel sad that James is the absolute Love of my Life and I have not been able to experience this with him. IT IS ok for me to want this for us and for it to be hard emotionally. IT IS ok for me to talk about it.

I feel that Heavenly Father obviously knows why we are to go through this and why I have to work through these feelings and can't just run and hide under the covers. I know that this has made me stronger already...I do sometimes think I wish Heavenly Father would give us a break a bit...lol...if its not one struggle it's another. I wonder sometimes what His purpose is for me in all of this.

I wonder what will come...How will we look back on this in 5 years...I wonder what we will say about this time in our life. I guess if I look back at my life even 2 yrs ago it would have been hard/almost impossible for me to see how beautifully everything has fallen into place from then...back then we had some really hard trials emotionally and I know now without a doubt I am one strong woman to make it through that...there were days that it was so hard for me to see past tomorrow ...But I do know that I would have never gotten through if it weren't for Heavenly Father that I could turn to...A Heavenly Father who gave me a wonderful family...A wonderful Family who blessed me with the most wonderful husband that loves Abbe and me more than anything...

So as I ramble, I know that IT IS ok to do all that I can to help our birthmom to find us and us her and find our baby. I don't need to be embarrassed or feel weird about it...I should be proud that she is out there caring for our sweet little baby that will soon be here and that we want to find her. IT IS ok.

Pass a long cards!

I just received our pass along card proofs...I should have them next week! looking to adopt...Alot of people including some I know have had their birthmom find them because they had received a card like one of these from someone they knew that knew of the family. Including this couple's blog that I follow. Click Here to read their story!

Adoption Video

I came across this today and it is such a cool perspective...Birthmom's are such amazing people...

LDS Adoption Connection

So this is pretty exciting...I am going to be an administrator with 2 other women who are hoping to adopt as well with the LDS Adoption Connection Blog. This should be awesome...Another way to get exposure and meet others that are going through what we are...It's going to be great!!!

Adoption Blog Button!

Hey everyone...I finally have figured out how to make one of these...Can you all post It on your blogs for us! the link is in the side bar...just post the code in a html gadget if you don't know how to do it... Thanks for all your help!!!

So Cute!!!

Are these the cutest or what! My friend Jaymie made this little treat with some candy inside. She just adopted the sweetest little boy and today, I got to meet little Nixon. Jaymie is part of our Adoptive Mom/Hoping to Adopt group and us girls just had to go visit her! I really love being part of this group. At first I felt a little awkward but now I really look forward to our get together's. If you know people who are looking to adopt they should really find a little group like this to be in. I am not quite sure whose idea it was to have us girls hang out but I just love it. It has helped so much to talk with other women who have adopted or are hoping to adopt and the struggles, challenges and blessings it brings. Each of us brings so much to the group and I am truly grateful for each of you...Brielle, Kris, Elise, and Jaymie...Thanks for making it great!

Adoption Dessert...

So my friend Elise sent me and a couple other friends who are wanting to adopt or have adopted this great Story. Elise is a truly remarkable girl and she is so resilient. Recently her and her husband went through an extremely painful trial and my heart hurts for her. She is so strong and faithful. I know that Heavenly Father will bless her with their baby so that she can be the wonderful mother that my friends and I know she already is. Thanks Elise for sending this! We are all thinking of you....


"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breathe. That's all you can do. You breathe and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you. If you look, you can see him there."

You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way... the waiting, the crying, the agony....it's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Infertility

I came across this article today titled "The Bible and the Pain of infertility" by Kimberly and Philip Monroe. It is really good to hear what others have to say that have been there...Sometimes I am not sure if it is enlightenment or self-torture to read all the baby and adoption blogs that I do. I have been having a hard time with everything lately in our quest to have children. Sometimes I don't update our blog as much as others in fear of putting to much out there.

James and I have been going through some further fertility testing because we have not had anything happen still and have thought that maybe there was something wrong that they didn't catch before. The results have been more upsetting than assuring. Both of us have absolutely nothing wrong that they can detect. Supposedly everything is 100% in working order. While I may seem insensitive to those that have diagnosis' of something that makes them incapable of becoming pregnant or something that makes them have to have IVF I certainly don't mean to be, because I truly do feel their pain in many ways and never would want to compare my struggle to theirs. They are both so hard.

It's like when we heard the results I just wanted to hear "yes this is the problem and this is how we are going to tackle it". I know it is wrong to feel that but I did when instead we heard "there is no reason you shouldn't be able to conceive". My first thought was "well then what is the deal here it's been almost 5 years!" Then the Dr. went through our options of what we should do. We decided to do a round of IUI.

During those 2 weeks that we waited to find out the results we were contacted by an agency looking to place and by a wonderful couple that were needing to place their 2 sweet grandsons. The agency was looking for LDS couples to place with but wanted us to use them but the birthmother had't even seen our profile yet. So that was a no go. The couple looking to place were admirable to say the least. How amazing that they are willing to sacrifice in order to ensure there 2 little grandchildren were raised in a strong LDS home. We just were not sure if this was the right fit for us but I pray that they will find the right family for them.

Well after all of that we found out that the IUI failed. The Dr. was very hopeful but still nothing...this is has been really hard to handle. Church that day was even harder. I serve as Primary Secretary for a giant primary (191 children the last we counted)and had to be there even though it was hard for me to go and then the talks were about Parenting...needless to say I didn't make it through...Luckily, I had an amazing sister cover for me. She was just what I needed because I didn't know how I was going to make it that day. It's hard to talk about infertility with friends...It's definitely one of those topics that no one can get unless they have been there. I would never wish it upon anyone. I am not sure why we have to have this struggle but I am really glad that I have the Gospel because I am not sure how I would deal if I didn't.

Anyways, here is that article:

http://www.ccef.org/sites/default/files/pdf/monroes-infertility.pdf

Update

So I must apologize that I haven't posted in a bit there has been a lot going on this past few holiday months. For starters we moved to a a new bigger home. We are still really close to our old one but we have been looking for a bigger home for about 2 years now and finally found one at a great deal.

In the midst of dealing with all the loan stuff we thought we were going to be adopting but it turned out the girl never had a baby or at least LDS family services could not verify she actually did. Talk about crazy emotional roller coaster. LDS family called on Tuesday and said you have been chosen and the baby is born and the birth-mom is wanting to place on Saturday to we don't think she ever had a baby by Friday...pretty tough pill to swallow...luckily, I have some really great girlfriends...I didn't talk much about this back in November but I wasn't ready... we were really bummed about it... guess it wasn't meant to be... It was probably best that I was distracted right after with our new home. So that is much of the reason we have not posted in a while.

As for everything else though life is good...we had Christmas morning And celebrated new years in our new home with my family and still was able to make cookies with my sister that week! I really love our new home, it feels so much more like us and already feels cozy. It definitely is my new project. I think the only room I feel is done is abbe's and my kitchen. Go figure, but that is fine I have plenty of time now that abbe is back in school...lol...