On the Lord's road...

 Picture found via online

Well, we are back to where we were...looking for the someone that is carrying the baby that is supposed to be in our family...I know many of you have probably been wondering how I have been doing since letting you know what happened...I figured I have been quiet long enough and I feel ok so I should start by saying that.  This is definately a different journey that we are having to go through and at times it feels so frustrating.  This has made me feel like I am so not in control...this process is hard...I wonder why this was supposed to happen...I mean I know it was supposed to...I know Heavenly Father already knew that this disappointment was going to occur but I also feel like "what was I supposed to learn?"  I have been feeling like maybe we should just do in-vitro to be honest but then when I think of that I feel like "then why did Heavenly Father have us feel prompted about adoption?"

Let me explain my thoughts there a little better.  Since James and I are 100% in working order fertility wise (all tests come back normal and working and on top of it I have carried a child full term), but since we have not achieved even one pregnancy together and that is has been over 5 years of trying to, we are technically considered to have unexplained infertility...but who knows what the real issue is since we have never done in-vitro...we have done other fertility treatment stuff but not the huge one "in-vitro"...recently I have felt really hurt and not in control and my knee jerk reaction just wants to go do it but then my gut keeps making me think "No Deanna Heavenly Father has a plan and all of this is part of it and you are supposed to adopt"...uhg...I mean uhg I can't just fix it now! Not uhg that our baby will come through adoption.  I just want our baby to be here...I wish I was more patient...   

Today, I was speaking to my best girlfriend in the whole entire world, It was her birthday...we have known each other for ever and have been through everything you can think of together...college, partying, dating happiness, death, marriage, sorrow, children, heartbreak,faith, you name it we have gone through it and she is the one person that understands more than anyone I know what it is like to want to go run out and control the situation our way and have to step back and say "ok GOD I know you want me to just stick it out and I know you have better plans than my plans and yes I know GOD I just have to sit back and wait and TRUST you!"  I was kinda venting about all my feelings about this and with her birthday we were talking about the obvious our age and I was just feeling like "Heavenly Father I don't want to be old when the rest of my babies come"...and I told her how I was feeling about the adoption process and the thought with in-vitro and how I was feeling conflicted about it...I said their is a reason I felt prompted and I don't want to go do that when this is what he wants for me...and after all in-vitro could still be unsuccessful...God is ultimately in control...God knows how this next child is supposed to come into our family...She was so great to talk to because at this point she just said in so many words "...well Deanna, I support and love you no matter what, and I know what it feels like to feel unsure of what the Lords will is and the wanting to follow His will...it is hard and I know you just want to do what the Lord wants for you...I know what its like to  feel that the Lord is telling you something and feel frustrated in the process but I do know the Lord knows what He is doing and His way is always best..." 

With that I guess I have a better answer...I have felt unsettled...I have felt unsure...I have felt frustration...I have felt sad...I have felt old even though I know I am still young...lol...but the biggest part I have felt is that I know that the Lord is here for me and He knows how I have felt and how I feel and that this is just part of His plan and I need to learn to TRUST Him even more...In the end it will all be for my good...and for that I am thankful...