Sad News...

So today our caseworker from LDS Family called me and informed us that K has changed her mind and has decided not to place with us...I am not sure how to feel...I feel a little numb at the moment...But I do know that the only feelings I feel is sad and hurt...I do not feel mad or angry with K at all...I know this must have been hard for her and I would never want someone to place with us or make the biggest decision of their life if they weren't 100% sure...I know she never meant to hurt us and that this is such a difficult time in her life.  I wish her nothing but happiness and I do already forgive her for this hurt we feel.  I hope she does find the right family for her baby and that her heart is eased during this time since I know it is so hard.  I know that everything happens for a reason in the big picture and eventually we may know why but we may not and that is ok too...

The hardest part was having to tell Abbe today that K changed her mind and that she wasn't going to have a brother...she so can't wait to have a brother or sister and I already had to deliver this type of news once before already and I am not sure if I can do it again after this one...It's one thing for my heart to hurt but its another to have to tell Abbe something that I know will make hers hurt too...this is a part that I truly detest about adoption, I guess it is like a miscarriage except with this your child feels rejected even when you try to explain it in a way so they don't feel like that...No one can understand what that is like unless they have been there and I would never wish that on anyone...

I am not sure why this is but do know that Heavenly Father has a plan and I guess this is just part of it...I am thankful that I at least was with James and not back in Phoenix yet and with him still in KC to find this out...I know that this "is what it is" and that is why when LDS Family said they were going to re-post our profile unless we wanted some time I said no re-post it...I want it up...I now know that the baby that Kristy is pregnant with was not supposed to be our son...it was not supposed to be and I don't want anything we do (like having our profile on hold) to keep our baby from coming to our family.

Lastly,  I know that everyone (church/family/friends) knows that we had been matched and I know it could be hard to know what to say to me...I don't expect you to know...and I would rather just have you know how I feel so you don't have to ask me questions... that is why I write through my blog because some of this stuff is really hard for me to talk about with everyone at church or friends that I don't talk to everyday but I am thankful I have all of you, even if I don't talk about my feelings re: this all the time with you....hurt is hard and it is one thing I don't ever like to talk about with others until I am way healed and ready...I don't like to feel needy...but at the same time I will say it helps to know you care...that's all you have to say...

12/10/12 Update:
I want you the reader to know that K did in fact reach out to us after this...after she had her son in October...she did still place...she felt horrible and so sorry for our anguish that we suffered when she decided not to place with us...she decided to place with another family because we lived so far away and she felt she would never be able to visit on her own accord...Of course we already had forgiven her...It meant alot to me that she was worried about us and reached out...I was sad that she felt so bad...I know that K and I were supposed to meet...Her son that she placed is in a wonderful LDS family in her state and because we met she was using the agency we referred her to...LDS Family Services.  K is doing well now...and I think she feels at peace with her decision as far as I know...I know this is where her little boy was supposed to be and wish her and her family nothing but the best.

I have also omitted some of the previous posts in my blog in relation to K since they no longer seem appropriate and so that a potential new birth-mother didn't think we were already placed with.