Learning to feel Our Savior's Love...

"Great is our Lord, and of great power; his understanding is infinite" -Psalms 147:5

I have been sitting here thinking of how to say all that I feel and that is in my mind...James and I (and Abbe) have clearly been thru a lot these past few days but we also have been so humbled to the hundreds of people that have expressed their love, anguish, support, service, fasting and prayers for us...Never have I experienced anything like it...I am beyond grateful.

Never in our lives have we felt so unbelievably Humbled...We feel that Heavenly Father has used all of this anguish to bring so many closer to the Savior...We have had so many that have fasted and prayed with us, many not of our faith, many who have never met us, some that are not necessarily religious, and many that have never prayed before...We know that Heavenly Father has used Emerson as a tool for His good and His Glory... He has gathered so many together to feast upon His word and will...Emerson has only been on the Earth a few weeks and already thousands of people know who he is and how absolutely beautiful he is...

"The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth" 

-Psalms 145:18

Emerson has now been placed with Jules' cousins and we feel peace about this and we are so Blessed to have had Emerson during the time he just came here from Heaven...We have forgiven Jules fully, and know that even though we won't be raising little Emerson here that he is still connected to us somehow...For that we are Eternally grateful...

He is so beautiful and we are glad that he has such a loving family with little siblings who will love him dearly and love the Gospel...We so ask Heavenly Father to Bless them and watch over Emerson...This experience has been such a testament to us of the Saviors unending love for us...I know sometimes that we are not aware of why things happen the way they do here in this life, but we do know we will know all of Heavenly Fathers plan when we return to Him...

"Every word of God is pure; he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him"   

- Proverbs 30:5

Many at this time may be asking if this means we are scared to adopt now?  The answer is no. They may ask if we still want to adopt now or soon again?  The answer is yes.  We know we were supposed to have Emerson for his first few weeks of life and we will cherish those weeks forever...but we know other children and we must continue to press forward.  We will be doing all that we can to find them.  Emerson will always have a special spot in our family, we will always love him dearly and another child will never take his place because they will have their own place just like Abbe has her place.

In closing, I am going to share something that a dear friend of my sister's shared with her for us...It is absolutely beautiful and we are so grateful for her profound outlook and feelings for us and Emerson...

"Life works in mysterious ways. One day we've conquered a mountain, the next we've tumbled down a hill. We never know when something truly great is about to happen and always seem to forget about the wonderful things when something seemingly terrible happens. Here is one note to remember: hidden blessings are the most difficult to accept. 

An infants first days, weeks, and months in the world are his most critical. He must adjust in moving from one world to another. This is a transition that no individual will ever remember going through, but it is something that impacts our lives and will shape who we become. During Baby Emerson's first weeks in this world he experienced the Love and guidance from a family who prayed and waited for him. 

What if Emerson hadn't met the Little family? Would he have been cherished as much? Swaddled as much? Watched over as much? No one one this Earth will ever be able to answer these questions. All one can do is Hope. We will always be faced with obstacles and Hope challenges us to discover new strengths and possibility within ourselves and others. 

To the Little family: your strength, devotion, and Love will always carry on triumphantly. Although Baby Emerson may not remember it, you have done more for him in his infancy than he may ever know in his whole life. Never underestimate the power you have given him just by Loving him.

To Baby Emerson: you are so young and you have already experienced more love than many will know in a lifetime. My hope is that the universe will continue to work in ways that will enhance the Love and blessings that surround you.

We may not know why we walk in and out of a persons life but there is a reason. We should all learn from the Little family to have the best intentions when we enter someones life. We may not know why we met them or how we impacted them, we should just know that we did. This calls for tremendous strength and courage and Love.

As a final note I would like to share a blessing. It is a Jewish tradition that every Friday night before the Sabbath dinner the parents give the following blessing to their children:

May God bless you and guard you.
May God show you favor and be gracious to you.
May God show you kindness and grant you peace.

Never forget the Love you receive and the Love you give out. It is the most important possession we have with us on Earth."

So so sad and broken hearted...

"Let thy Cry come near before thee, O Lord: give me understanding according to thy word" - Psalms 119:169

I feel very numb at the moment...I have gone through so many emotions in the past few hours and wonder why and can only ask for Heavenly Father to help me understand what has just happened...

There are no words to explain what our family is going through as well as our extended family.  PLEASE PLEASE Pray for us...Pray for Emerson....we miss him so dearly already...Jules revoked her relinquishment yesterday afternoon after 4 weeks and LDS Family Services came for Emerson and brought him back to California...

Jules is set to place him with a cousin now...A wonderful cousin who is pro adoption and has even adopted and  even congratulated us about our adoption from this blog...My heart is broken...

I PRAY for these cousins to seek confirmation and to pray to pray fervently about this ....

PRAY for Emerson to be surrounded by guardian Angels..I swear he see's them all the time...

PRAY for Jules to REMEMBER why she chose us and the Spiritual experience she had at the Temple and the confirmation she received....

We love Emerson so much and I have never felt pain like this ever in my life...I feel like I have been forced to give my child away, I never made any choices to create this feeling and we did everything right...the only feeling that I can compare to this would be the death of a child...I am a mess...James and I have gone through so much in our quest to grow our family and are at a loss...Abbe is unbelievably heartbroken...Her little brother was taken away, and I have never heard her cry like she has...why would someone do this...please Heavenly Father help me to feel peace and comfort even if I can not understand ones reasoning...

We love you Emerson...It is so hard that you are not here...your sweet spirit..your little lambie grunts, your beautiful blue eyes and baby smell...We long for you to be with us again...

"Lead me in thy truth, and teach me;for thou art the God of my Salvation; on thee do I wait all day." - Psalms 25:5

"Remember , O Lord thy Tender Mercies and thy lovingkindness; for they have been ever of old" - Psalms 25:6

Such a Time as This....

I am so thankful for my friend Jonathan Mill's talent and this song...James and I just love his music...If you have never heard anything he sings you will want to get on iTunes after you see this video...God has truly blessed him to convey God's Love for us through the words he writes and sings...

Every time I have ever heard this song I have always felt the Spirit... Heavenly Father prepares us for all things...He always gives us what we need and sometimes what we want...but always what we need...He will never fail us...All He wants is for us to Trust in HIM and allow Him to guide our steps...I am so thankful that He is the one that is always holding my hand...

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Home Study for Adoption...

On Monday we had our home study visit with our adoption agency and they are about ready to submit to the state....That was way faster than we thought but we aren't complaint...btw for all of you out there that are reading this please know that even though we haven't been technically re-certified by the state yet we can still be picked by a birth mom....how you may ask?...well she would have to designate us...meaning our case worker would know that she wants us to be the parents of her baby...When we first went through this process a few years ago we didn't know this until I went to an adoption class where there was this couple that weren't even in the process of certifying but had a birthmother choose them and then they were just beginning their process with LDS Family...I am not sure if they were expedited a bit or not but i so that would have made sense.  So with this you can see why we are getting the word out to everyone that WE WANT TO ADOPT!!!

This past week I was released from my calling as a primary worker (I was a sunbeam teacher- 3 yr olds) at church and was called as a Sunday School teacher.  The Church is implementing a new program for the youth called Come Follow Me for this coming year.  I am really excited about this!  I have felt like these kids many times and as I have learned more about this new way of teaching and learning I have felt that this is exactly where I am supposed to be serving for sure!

Abbe had her first Band Concert this past week...She had a ton of fun...and WOW does she seem grown up! She did Awesome!

Abbe also had her first slumber party for her 12th birthday last week...they had a blast between all the 1- Direction singing, pizza eating and twister playing.

This week for FHE we watched the Christmas Devotional and made homemade pretzels from the Mel's kitchen cafe blog...they were soooo good!  I have to confess James made the dough!  I just helped roll them!

Lastly, Our Adoption Cards came in last week and they turned out AMAZING!!! I am so excited to give more of these out!

The Road to Adoption...

For some reason I have felt "Impressed" to re-post this post from July 2011...I wrote it on a friends blog but I feel like I am supposed to post it and then bring it up to date...I am not sure why I feel I should share this post but I do know it does convey so many feelings we have felt and I know that it relates to many  of you who have gone through these difficulties of infertility and failed placements...who knows maybe a birthmother is supposed to read this...

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2011

The Road to Adoption...

Hey everyone...My name is Deanna and Stacey has asked me to share my story thus far about our adoption journey...Stacey and I have met because of adoption and I am so thankful about that.  She has been so wonderful to guest post for me on my blog The LDS Adoption Connection and has helped so many to know what it is like to adopt and what it is like to struggle with infertility.  She has asked me to talk about my blog too but I will post that in another post since this one is a little lengthy...lol... 

Where do I begin...I will say for starters that I never in a million years thought I would be on this road...the Adoption Road that is...but I will say that now that I have found it and have been on it for some time, that I know I am going the way that Heavenly Father wants me to go...He is involved every step of the way...

James and Deanna

How did I get on this road you may ask....Well I guess like all do...we wanted to have a baby...lol...My story is a little unusual but typical in some ways. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have tried to "get pregnant" from the start.  I think because I had my daughter prior (she is 10yrs old) to meeting my husband I never though that we would have any issues getting pregnant since I had her.   So for 5 long years we have tried...with no avail - zero pregnancies...the Doctors can not explain why we can't get pregnant...we have had ALL the testing you can...everything is in perfect working order...we even tried assitance...and obviously I can carry a baby full term but still nothing...so this had put us at a real crossroads. 

The pain of infertility is a very lonely one.  One that I have to say in the LDS culture is even harder.  I didn't grow up in the Church so when I had Abbe (my daughter) I was "young" by society standards...but in LDS culture to be 33 yrs old and still be trying is not the typical, at least if you are in a ward like mine (a ward with over 190 children in the primary alone).    Many assumed that we didn't have kids since they assumed we were younger or had not realized that we have Abbe or they would say oh you must not want to have kids or have any more kids...little did they know that our hearts ached inside to have more children and if they only knew.  People can say some really stupid things when they just don't know.  For a long time it was hard for me to relate to women my age at church because many were "done" having kids or saying they wanted to have their tubes tied.  During this time I was called into the Primary, so it became even harder.  But even though it had been hard or still is sometimes I know it wasn't any of their faults.  They didn't know how I felt.  I barely spoke with anyone about it.  It's one of those subjects that you just feel alone.

The 3 of Us in Cabo San Lucas

During this time James (my husband) and I really struggled with the thoughts of our family.  Before we got married we wanted to have a big family.  Ideally, I wanted to have 5 children but time was working against us.  I wanted Abbe to be closer in age to her siblings and that was not happening.  We began to think maybe this is it.  With every month that went by sadness followed...it was often an unspoken sadness.  At one point (about 2 or 3 yrs in) I felt like maybe we are supposed to adopt.  I have cousins who are adopted so I have never had any issues with adopting but the timing wasn't right.  At that point we still hadn't done a ton of fertility testing and James still felt like we should and I agreed...it made sense.  Little did I know we would have some pretty severe emotional trials hit us right after that and it would not have been the time to adopt.  Abbe needed us and she needed all of our focus.  That struggle made us better, more understanding, more patient, and more resilient.  Our Testimonies of the Savior where also strengthened during that time...

The 3 of Us on Abbe's Baptism May  2010

Around early Spring of 2010 I felt compelled to speak about the possibility of adopting with James again...our conversation was kinda one sided...me saying I feel prompted about this...him saying I don't know...I kinda dropped it but asked him if he would pray about it...I was quiet about it for a bit and then one Sunday night we were getting ready for bed and he randomly said yeah I feel we should too...I was elated and teary at the same time...he said he had received confirmations about it multiple times over the weekend...

With that we called LDS Family to begin the process...Through out the process of becoming certified we had many confirmations that this was the right thing to do...that we were supposed to be adopting.  We became certified in September of 2010.  In October of 2010 on a Tuesday LDS Family had called us saying that a woman had chosen us and the baby had been born in September and wanted to place with us that Saturday.  We had a ton of emotions going on to say the least...we were excited and worried at the same time...we were closing on a bigger home at that exact moment and were thinking OMG how are we going to do this but knew it would all work itself out it always did...unfortunately that Friday LDS Family called again with sad news...they could not verify the birth of the baby...yeah you can imagine how we felt...it was a huge blow and hard...worst part was we had to explain to Abbe...it was hard for us but equally hard for her...she thought she was going to have a brother that weekend....but it wasn't meant to be...the timing was not right...so we went on with our lives and luckily I had a new home and moving to help distract me...

Picture Omitted for privacy of K

 Deanna and K and Little Axton (in her tummy)

Then in May 2011, we randomly had a woman named K contact me through parent profiles. (I know this was an answer to a prayer and I wrote about it on my personal blog)  She was the first and only contact we have had.  It only took one...K chose us to be the parents of Axton (the name we have chosen for the baby boy she is carrying) this past May.   One of the things that struck her was that we had a daughter named Abbe and She too has a daughter named Abbi so you can imagine how special that is to her.  She is truly amazing and the most strong and selfless person I know.

Axton is set to be born in the beginning of October and we can't wait to meet him. We know Heavenly Father chose K for us and us for K.  We have seen His hand at work and it is amazing.  I am so thankful for adoption.  I am so thankful that the Lord has led our family on this journey...this wasn't the way I thought it would be, but His plans are ALWAYS better and I am excited to see what else is He has in store for us...

Fast forward looking back as of Dec 2012

Things turned out WAYYYY different than we ever imagined when I wrote this for my friends blog...Shortly after K had changed her mind to place with us (see post for whole story)...We were devastated to say the least...We still know that we were supposed to meet K...she placed with an LDS Family because we helped her connect to LDS Family Services and for that I will always be thankful to Heavenly Father for allowing us to be their connection...It was a hard time, we were so confused and felt like we had invested so much of our hearts and didnt know how to recover or be excited about adoption again....to top it off I was writing and running the LDS Adoption Connection Blog and it was getting harder and harder for me to see placements and be excited for others even though I wanted to be....

Christmas lights at the Mesa Temple 2011

In the Fall of 2011, we were contacted by a few more birth-mothers and had even corresponded but it wasn't the right fit for them or us...some were even trying to decide if they could parent another child since they already had children..Our hearts ached for them as they struggled with this...At the end of the year we had decided to stop paying for parent profiles since we were feeling so over it but left up our itsaboutlove profile...I am not sure how to describe that, I mean you want children but you feel "over it" because the pain and emotional toll the journey can make you feel...we just kinda went into hiding/silence when it came to the Baby Adoption Topic with everyone...

At this Point we Decided to put our focus on some other things and work on ourselves more...Just when we were feeling good...well maybe not good, more like resolved I should say...I mean our Adoption Certification was needing to be renewed with the state this past Spring (2012), but we were not wanting to focus on it due to the pain we felt about it...we decided to just let it lie/lapse and then out of the blue when we were out of state on a trip we were being contacted about a placement situation...one that required us to make an immediate decision if we were interested...there were so many messy-mixed up feelings that resurfaced for us that we thought we had dealt with...this was hard...so we prayed because we had no idea what to do...we felt like we were in a stupor....we needed the Lord to tell us what to do and he did...this was not our baby...Not many people know about this situation that happened for us but we have never felt like we made the wrong choice...Over this past year we have been thru a lot of growing and healing... we have been at ups and downs about the growth of our family and  got to the point where we felt like IVF was the only way to go and had even set an appt and back out because Heavenly Father is saying uh-uh no not that way....

St Louis, November 2012

So that brings us to now (Dec 2012) were we are almost done with re-certifying and we wait...Adoption isn't always just about getting just a baby...any baby...it's about finding YOUR baby..OUR baby.  

**Btw at the time I had written the original post above LDS Adoption Connection was a blog that I took care of but since have passed this blog to others to facilitate last fall (2011)...I am now going to be helping with the FSA Phoenix Blog and LDS Adoption Connection once again, so be on the lookout for new exciting posts that will soon be happening on these blogs! -Deanna