Home Study for Adoption...

On Monday we had our home study visit with our adoption agency and they are about ready to submit to the state....That was way faster than we thought but we aren't complaint...btw for all of you out there that are reading this please know that even though we haven't been technically re-certified by the state yet we can still be picked by a birth mom....how you may ask?...well she would have to designate us...meaning our case worker would know that she wants us to be the parents of her baby...When we first went through this process a few years ago we didn't know this until I went to an adoption class where there was this couple that weren't even in the process of certifying but had a birthmother choose them and then they were just beginning their process with LDS Family...I am not sure if they were expedited a bit or not but i so that would have made sense.  So with this you can see why we are getting the word out to everyone that WE WANT TO ADOPT!!!

This past week I was released from my calling as a primary worker (I was a sunbeam teacher- 3 yr olds) at church and was called as a Sunday School teacher.  The Church is implementing a new program for the youth called Come Follow Me for this coming year.  I am really excited about this!  I have felt like these kids many times and as I have learned more about this new way of teaching and learning I have felt that this is exactly where I am supposed to be serving for sure!

Abbe had her first Band Concert this past week...She had a ton of fun...and WOW does she seem grown up! She did Awesome!

Abbe also had her first slumber party for her 12th birthday last week...they had a blast between all the 1- Direction singing, pizza eating and twister playing.

This week for FHE we watched the Christmas Devotional and made homemade pretzels from the Mel's kitchen cafe blog...they were soooo good!  I have to confess James made the dough!  I just helped roll them!

Lastly, Our Adoption Cards came in last week and they turned out AMAZING!!! I am so excited to give more of these out!

The Road to Adoption...

For some reason I have felt "Impressed" to re-post this post from July 2011...I wrote it on a friends blog but I feel like I am supposed to post it and then bring it up to date...I am not sure why I feel I should share this post but I do know it does convey so many feelings we have felt and I know that it relates to many  of you who have gone through these difficulties of infertility and failed placements...who knows maybe a birthmother is supposed to read this...

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2011

The Road to Adoption...

Hey everyone...My name is Deanna and Stacey has asked me to share my story thus far about our adoption journey...Stacey and I have met because of adoption and I am so thankful about that.  She has been so wonderful to guest post for me on my blog The LDS Adoption Connection and has helped so many to know what it is like to adopt and what it is like to struggle with infertility.  She has asked me to talk about my blog too but I will post that in another post since this one is a little lengthy...lol... 

Where do I begin...I will say for starters that I never in a million years thought I would be on this road...the Adoption Road that is...but I will say that now that I have found it and have been on it for some time, that I know I am going the way that Heavenly Father wants me to go...He is involved every step of the way...

James and Deanna

How did I get on this road you may ask....Well I guess like all do...we wanted to have a baby...lol...My story is a little unusual but typical in some ways. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have tried to "get pregnant" from the start.  I think because I had my daughter prior (she is 10yrs old) to meeting my husband I never though that we would have any issues getting pregnant since I had her.   So for 5 long years we have tried...with no avail - zero pregnancies...the Doctors can not explain why we can't get pregnant...we have had ALL the testing you can...everything is in perfect working order...we even tried assitance...and obviously I can carry a baby full term but still nothing...so this had put us at a real crossroads. 

The pain of infertility is a very lonely one.  One that I have to say in the LDS culture is even harder.  I didn't grow up in the Church so when I had Abbe (my daughter) I was "young" by society standards...but in LDS culture to be 33 yrs old and still be trying is not the typical, at least if you are in a ward like mine (a ward with over 190 children in the primary alone).    Many assumed that we didn't have kids since they assumed we were younger or had not realized that we have Abbe or they would say oh you must not want to have kids or have any more kids...little did they know that our hearts ached inside to have more children and if they only knew.  People can say some really stupid things when they just don't know.  For a long time it was hard for me to relate to women my age at church because many were "done" having kids or saying they wanted to have their tubes tied.  During this time I was called into the Primary, so it became even harder.  But even though it had been hard or still is sometimes I know it wasn't any of their faults.  They didn't know how I felt.  I barely spoke with anyone about it.  It's one of those subjects that you just feel alone.

The 3 of Us in Cabo San Lucas

During this time James (my husband) and I really struggled with the thoughts of our family.  Before we got married we wanted to have a big family.  Ideally, I wanted to have 5 children but time was working against us.  I wanted Abbe to be closer in age to her siblings and that was not happening.  We began to think maybe this is it.  With every month that went by sadness followed...it was often an unspoken sadness.  At one point (about 2 or 3 yrs in) I felt like maybe we are supposed to adopt.  I have cousins who are adopted so I have never had any issues with adopting but the timing wasn't right.  At that point we still hadn't done a ton of fertility testing and James still felt like we should and I agreed...it made sense.  Little did I know we would have some pretty severe emotional trials hit us right after that and it would not have been the time to adopt.  Abbe needed us and she needed all of our focus.  That struggle made us better, more understanding, more patient, and more resilient.  Our Testimonies of the Savior where also strengthened during that time...

The 3 of Us on Abbe's Baptism May  2010

Around early Spring of 2010 I felt compelled to speak about the possibility of adopting with James again...our conversation was kinda one sided...me saying I feel prompted about this...him saying I don't know...I kinda dropped it but asked him if he would pray about it...I was quiet about it for a bit and then one Sunday night we were getting ready for bed and he randomly said yeah I feel we should too...I was elated and teary at the same time...he said he had received confirmations about it multiple times over the weekend...

With that we called LDS Family to begin the process...Through out the process of becoming certified we had many confirmations that this was the right thing to do...that we were supposed to be adopting.  We became certified in September of 2010.  In October of 2010 on a Tuesday LDS Family had called us saying that a woman had chosen us and the baby had been born in September and wanted to place with us that Saturday.  We had a ton of emotions going on to say the least...we were excited and worried at the same time...we were closing on a bigger home at that exact moment and were thinking OMG how are we going to do this but knew it would all work itself out it always did...unfortunately that Friday LDS Family called again with sad news...they could not verify the birth of the baby...yeah you can imagine how we felt...it was a huge blow and hard...worst part was we had to explain to Abbe...it was hard for us but equally hard for her...she thought she was going to have a brother that weekend....but it wasn't meant to be...the timing was not right...so we went on with our lives and luckily I had a new home and moving to help distract me...

Picture Omitted for privacy of K

 Deanna and K and Little Axton (in her tummy)

Then in May 2011, we randomly had a woman named K contact me through parent profiles. (I know this was an answer to a prayer and I wrote about it on my personal blog)  She was the first and only contact we have had.  It only took one...K chose us to be the parents of Axton (the name we have chosen for the baby boy she is carrying) this past May.   One of the things that struck her was that we had a daughter named Abbe and She too has a daughter named Abbi so you can imagine how special that is to her.  She is truly amazing and the most strong and selfless person I know.

Axton is set to be born in the beginning of October and we can't wait to meet him. We know Heavenly Father chose K for us and us for K.  We have seen His hand at work and it is amazing.  I am so thankful for adoption.  I am so thankful that the Lord has led our family on this journey...this wasn't the way I thought it would be, but His plans are ALWAYS better and I am excited to see what else is He has in store for us...

Fast forward looking back as of Dec 2012

Things turned out WAYYYY different than we ever imagined when I wrote this for my friends blog...Shortly after K had changed her mind to place with us (see post for whole story)...We were devastated to say the least...We still know that we were supposed to meet K...she placed with an LDS Family because we helped her connect to LDS Family Services and for that I will always be thankful to Heavenly Father for allowing us to be their connection...It was a hard time, we were so confused and felt like we had invested so much of our hearts and didnt know how to recover or be excited about adoption again....to top it off I was writing and running the LDS Adoption Connection Blog and it was getting harder and harder for me to see placements and be excited for others even though I wanted to be....

Christmas lights at the Mesa Temple 2011

In the Fall of 2011, we were contacted by a few more birth-mothers and had even corresponded but it wasn't the right fit for them or us...some were even trying to decide if they could parent another child since they already had children..Our hearts ached for them as they struggled with this...At the end of the year we had decided to stop paying for parent profiles since we were feeling so over it but left up our itsaboutlove profile...I am not sure how to describe that, I mean you want children but you feel "over it" because the pain and emotional toll the journey can make you feel...we just kinda went into hiding/silence when it came to the Baby Adoption Topic with everyone...

At this Point we Decided to put our focus on some other things and work on ourselves more...Just when we were feeling good...well maybe not good, more like resolved I should say...I mean our Adoption Certification was needing to be renewed with the state this past Spring (2012), but we were not wanting to focus on it due to the pain we felt about it...we decided to just let it lie/lapse and then out of the blue when we were out of state on a trip we were being contacted about a placement situation...one that required us to make an immediate decision if we were interested...there were so many messy-mixed up feelings that resurfaced for us that we thought we had dealt with...this was hard...so we prayed because we had no idea what to do...we felt like we were in a stupor....we needed the Lord to tell us what to do and he did...this was not our baby...Not many people know about this situation that happened for us but we have never felt like we made the wrong choice...Over this past year we have been thru a lot of growing and healing... we have been at ups and downs about the growth of our family and  got to the point where we felt like IVF was the only way to go and had even set an appt and back out because Heavenly Father is saying uh-uh no not that way....

St Louis, November 2012

So that brings us to now (Dec 2012) were we are almost done with re-certifying and we wait...Adoption isn't always just about getting just a baby...any baby...it's about finding YOUR baby..OUR baby.  

**Btw at the time I had written the original post above LDS Adoption Connection was a blog that I took care of but since have passed this blog to others to facilitate last fall (2011)...I am now going to be helping with the FSA Phoenix Blog and LDS Adoption Connection once again, so be on the lookout for new exciting posts that will soon be happening on these blogs! -Deanna

I'm Holding you...

Have you ever felt like the world was crashing around you...like you don't know how you are going to make it? Have you ever felt like NO one has a clue what you are going through inside but are trying to seem like you have got it together...Well, this woman felt like that...At her lowest point she was moved beyond measure...I Challenge you to try to make it through this and not tear up!...

Just for Thought...

I just loved this verse someone posted on their blog...I read it this morning and how true is it...when we are weak HE is the only one that can make us truly strong...

Ether 12:27:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumblethemselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.

Getting the word out... that we want to adopt!

Well we have had a busy few weeks since we decided to get ourselves re-certified for adoption...the good news is that it sounds that it may go WAY faster than we anticipated and many parts are able to be pulled up off our past information! I have been busy updating all of our paperwork...but as of this coming Monday all will be done on our end for it and then we get a visit from our caseworker to finish up our home study and we wait for the state to approve!!!  This has been going way faster than last time, that is for sure...but maybe it's because we have been around the block before....lol

Last night, I met up with an adoption group that I had been part of last year.  Many of the girls that were in this adoptive group before have been placed with and have moved away with exception to one I knew before...It was fun to get out and be able to talk about everything that has gone on since and I got to meet a bunch of new women I had never met...some placed with and some that just literally got certified.  What I did realize after last night was that I needed to get new pass-a-long cards!  I was thinking I would wait to have these made again until we got certified again so we could have our parent profile link on it, but after last night I realized that was just stupid!  I mean seriously a birth-mom can still pick us before we are fully certified (they just have to designate that they choose us with LDS Family Services) and someone could know of a situation and if people don't know they won't know to tell them we are looking to adopt.  So with that I created and ordered some today...Here is a sneak peak but I wish I could show the back to you too since it will have some picts on it too...oh well...lol

This past weekend we got to have a fun adventure with my family and were in Tucson for the Weekend.  My Uncle was receiving an award and we got to visit with everyone including my sister Mandi who lives in St. Louis now and a bunch of my family that also lives there.  It was absolutely gorgeous with the weather...none of us were complaining that is for sure! 

We even got to get dressed up!  

This week James and I went shooting....He usually goes without me since he likes to go hunt and that is way to early in the morning for this night owl and I am not the most fun person when I have to sit and just wait and be quiet and do nothing but look in the desert for a possible animal, but this time we had an old TV and a bunch of junk that he had set aside to shoot in the desert.  It was a lot of fun!

Lastly, this week we had some Christmas fun with Abbe...We got some gingerbread houses and decorated them!  Abbe of course picked the one I had to assemble (a train one)...go figure...lol...after we joked about how James made the biggest mess in the end...he is usually teases Abbe and I to be careful and then he is the one that makes the mess. 

I just came across this video...it has got to be the most touching video regarding adoption and placement that I have ever seen.  It truly shows the selflessness and love that a birthmother has for her baby. Not to mention the unwavering strength to go through this sacrifice for her baby.

The Gift from Jared Fadel on Vimeo.

Back in the Saddle....

Yes...You guessed right.  If I am writing on this blog well then something must be happening or going on with us re: adoption.  We have decided that we are ready again...Ready that is to get back in the saddle so to say.  We have been absent from the adoption world for some time since our failed placement in the summer of 2011.

Truth be told that was way harder on me/us than I realized and I had to work through some of it by taking a break.  I tried so hard after to be ok and move on quickly but it was all just getting sooo hard to bare...especially when during your pain you see almost ALL your adoption friends be placed with, some had even adopted again, and then everyone you know becoming pregnant again...I needed a break.  I did what I do best... I ran away...lol...I had to distract myself and forget about it for a while...I needed time to heal and gain myself back...

By no means has this time away from the adoption world meant for one second we didn't want to have children...it just meant we needed to distract ourselves, I guess you could say.  It's like you are constantly trying to fill a void anyway you can...trying all things...you name it I probably thought of it... but the truth is...that the void that you so desperately want to fill can only be filled one way and unfortunately you have zero control. Zero control and two Ruby personalities!...lol...(unless you've been to FSTS with www.danijohnson.com you won't know what a Ruby is but don't worry you can always go and find out...)

The thing is, is that no one can understand how it feels unless "you know how it feels" to go through these types of extreme emotional ups and downs and then more ups and downs.  Last Fall, after the dust settled from our grief we had come to the conclusion that we would just do IVF this fall and not have to deal with the heartbreak that came through adoption...but then something in me kept saying uh uh... the same feeling has always been saying NO uh uh!  That's right...no. I can't explain it...  In-vitro is not how our children are supposed to come to us.

"Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite."

 Psalms 147:5

So we are back to where we were just two years ago... those of you that already know me know that I am not pregnant obviously nor have I ever been able to get pregnant since I had Abbe almost 12 years ago...God is choosing to have us wait still...to search and to rely on Him to help us...In this year I have learned to rely on Him alot more...to seek Him for understanding...He is the only one that can bring our children to us...He is who brings children to childless...He is who makes barren women conceive (btw no women in the bible stay barren forever, I have read all re: this topic and reread many times) and He is the one that brings His children to their Homes here...He does all of it...He is who I am laying all of my trust in...not in ivf, not in my own ability or control but in Him...

"Every word of God is Pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him" 

Proverbs 30:5 

So here we are again at square one....we have to do everything over again.  What do I mean by that?  Well, we have to start from scratch and get Certified to Adopt again.  Our state certification was up for renewal this past February and at that point we were not in a place emotionally to go through the process of updating it so we didn't.  In retrospct maybe that wasn't the best choice since that would have been alot easier in re: to paperwork.  So that means we begin again...This time I feel with more understanding of His will...This time with more resources to help us...This time knowing way way more people to help us spread the word so that a birth mom knows we are wanting to adopt (hint hint friends and lookie lou's)...This time knowing how to take action on our Faith...And most importantly, This time until we have our family.