Back in the Saddle....

Yes...You guessed right.  If I am writing on this blog well then something must be happening or going on with us re: adoption.  We have decided that we are ready again...Ready that is to get back in the saddle so to say.  We have been absent from the adoption world for some time since our failed placement in the summer of 2011.

Truth be told that was way harder on me/us than I realized and I had to work through some of it by taking a break.  I tried so hard after to be ok and move on quickly but it was all just getting sooo hard to bare...especially when during your pain you see almost ALL your adoption friends be placed with, some had even adopted again, and then everyone you know becoming pregnant again...I needed a break.  I did what I do best... I ran away...lol...I had to distract myself and forget about it for a while...I needed time to heal and gain myself back...

By no means has this time away from the adoption world meant for one second we didn't want to have children...it just meant we needed to distract ourselves, I guess you could say.  It's like you are constantly trying to fill a void anyway you can...trying all things...you name it I probably thought of it... but the truth is...that the void that you so desperately want to fill can only be filled one way and unfortunately you have zero control. Zero control and two Ruby personalities!...lol...(unless you've been to FSTS with www.danijohnson.com you won't know what a Ruby is but don't worry you can always go and find out...)

The thing is, is that no one can understand how it feels unless "you know how it feels" to go through these types of extreme emotional ups and downs and then more ups and downs.  Last Fall, after the dust settled from our grief we had come to the conclusion that we would just do IVF this fall and not have to deal with the heartbreak that came through adoption...but then something in me kept saying uh uh... the same feeling has always been saying NO uh uh!  That's right...no. I can't explain it...  In-vitro is not how our children are supposed to come to us.

"Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite."

 Psalms 147:5

So we are back to where we were just two years ago... those of you that already know me know that I am not pregnant obviously nor have I ever been able to get pregnant since I had Abbe almost 12 years ago...God is choosing to have us wait still...to search and to rely on Him to help us...In this year I have learned to rely on Him alot more...to seek Him for understanding...He is the only one that can bring our children to us...He is who brings children to childless...He is who makes barren women conceive (btw no women in the bible stay barren forever, I have read all re: this topic and reread many times) and He is the one that brings His children to their Homes here...He does all of it...He is who I am laying all of my trust in...not in ivf, not in my own ability or control but in Him...

"Every word of God is Pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him" 

Proverbs 30:5 

So here we are again at square one....we have to do everything over again.  What do I mean by that?  Well, we have to start from scratch and get Certified to Adopt again.  Our state certification was up for renewal this past February and at that point we were not in a place emotionally to go through the process of updating it so we didn't.  In retrospct maybe that wasn't the best choice since that would have been alot easier in re: to paperwork.  So that means we begin again...This time I feel with more understanding of His will...This time with more resources to help us...This time knowing way way more people to help us spread the word so that a birth mom knows we are wanting to adopt (hint hint friends and lookie lou's)...This time knowing how to take action on our Faith...And most importantly, This time until we have our family.