An Audri style Blessing...

SO tonight, I was helping Abbe clean her room and we ended up talking about the Gospel and as she calls "rules" that the church has...I had reminded her that those aren't the church's rules those are Heavenly Father's standards to help us receive all the blessings he wants to give us...Then it got me to thinking with her (all on a conversational note with her) that "IF" James and I hadn't made the choices we have made to follow HIS standards we would NEVER have Audri in our home and with our family right now...How is that for heavy?...

What an amazing way to teach Abbe how one choice of say grabbing a coffee, not paying our tithing, not choosing to being baptized, not choosing to get married in the Temple, or not following thru on our Temple covenants could have kept Audri from making it to our family!  Cuh-RAzy if you really think about it... Everything is interconnected...all of it!

I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me. 

Proverbs 8:17

What a huge unbelievable, unimaginable, never would have ever guessed in a million years BLESSING that has come to our family thru our Obedience to Heavenly Father!  Do you want to know what the biggest deciding factor for Audri coming to "our Family" was for her birth family?  That we were a faithful, Temple worthy, LDS family for her.  One that can guide her and give her the opportunity of growing up in the Gospel!

Often, when we go about our everyday lives so many of our choices seem insignificant to our day or to our lives as a whole, especially when we are not thinking eternally...We often think "how is not having a glass of wine going to effect anyone else but me in my worthiness" or "what is the big deal if I NEVER read the Book of Mormon and know for sure if it is true or not?" But this is the thing, Heavenly Father has such immense Blessings waiting for us and we are so small minded in our thinking that we can not even conceive of what he wants for us!

Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for Blessed are they that keep my ways.  Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not. Blessed is the man that hearth me, watching at the posts of my doors.  For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favor of the Lord.  

Proverbs 8:31-35

I am so thankful for this epiphany that Heavenly Father gave me tonight...To be able to SEE what we can not SEE normally...To SEE what He and only He has done for us...To SEE how we must, must Trust...To SEE that we must Follow...To SEE that He is the Master Planner, and To SEE that I don't want to EVER EVER miss out on an Audri style Blessing..who would!  I will stay obedient and follow because He sooooo knows what He is doing.  It makes me wonder what other Audri style Blessings are out there waiting for me...Seriously, OUR God is so sooo Good!

The Lord is so Good...To Him we give ALL the Glory!!!

 

Well, I figured it was about time to write on my blog again since I haven't since little Miss Audri (that is what we have named her with the help of her birthmother) arrived into our home...She truly is a "Princess of the Lord" as her middle name SARIAH means.  She is absolutely beautiful and I am so thankful for the Lord's tender mercies in all the events surrounding her placement with us.  The Lord was preparing us for her and her birth family for us.

I was speaking to my best girlfriend today and she asked me how it all felt to have her especially in light of the struggles we have had to endure to get to this point and all I could say is that this was all the Lord's work...He is truly in control of it all and everything we do in this life is for Him and His purpose.

Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established. 

Proverbs 16:3

The past few months have been some of the most rewarding and darkest moments of our Life...But thru all the hardship and struggle we had to endure after Emerson's placement disruption we could have easily chosen to turn away from the Lord and try to deal with it within "our own understanding" and not progressed to be what He wanted us to be, but instead we CHOSE to stay close to the Savior..to rely on Him, to Love Him, to seek Him, to cry to Him and to truly get to know Him more than we ever thought we could...In many ways I am so thankful for this struggle (I am not saying I would have chosen it and still it sometimes hurts to think about).  It pushed us to dig deeper and feel more and look at others as He does.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him; He shall direct thy paths.  

Proverbs 3:5-6

I haven't shared Audri's placement story yet (not sure how I plan to share it on here due to wanting to keep Audri's birthmothers privacy) but the same day that we found out that Audri's sweet birthmother wanted us to be Audri's family, it was the same day Emerson's adoption placement finalized!  Talk about amazing...that morning I saw a picture of Emerson's family commemorating it and all I could feel was JOY...I felt no pain at all...none...The Lord is so good to have always given me peace in this way...  I was so incredibly happy he was in their family now forever.  He is loved, adored and most importantly has the Gospel... His adoptive mother and I have a really special connection, one I can not explain and I love her dearly for all she does for him.

I had seen their finalization picture on Facebook when I thought that Audri was just going to be with us temporarily to foster...her birth-mother had to choose a family still and I was't sure if that was going to be us or not, but I remember thinking how grateful I was to the Lord that He would even trust us a few days with His precious daughter and How beautiful He was for this.  Of course, you can only imagine my joy when I showed up to LDS Family Services around noon and they told me that Audri's birthmother had chosen us!  All I could think was Thank you Lord for trusting us and I realized that for the first time in my life I truly gave ALL CONTROL to Him and He Blessed me more than I could have ever imagined.

Every word of God is pure; he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him. 

Proverbs 30:5

Today, while I was taking care of Audri I watched the movie This is Our Time and in it they were dealing with grief.  It spoke of the fact that often times pain helps us to become who the Lord needs us to be at this very moment.  Meaning, if we hadn't endured this 7 year struggle of infertility, an adoption scam, a failed placement, and Emerson's placement reversal...we wouldn't be the people He needs us to be right now for Audri, Abbe, Audri's birthmother, for each other, and most importantly for Him. He truly has used us to touch other people's lives thru this struggle and to Him we give ALL the glory of this precious gift...  

Why did she choose Adoption?

I posted this on the LDS Adoption Connection blog the other day (I write and help admin the blog) but I couldn't help but think that their may be a girl that could be considering placing her baby for adoption that might end up seeing our blog and I didn't want them to miss out on hearing Tamra's story...It is raw and real but if it were me considering placing a baby for adoption this is what I would want to see...no fluff...just real stuff...

She said "I've seen people tell me after the fact, "Had I known the information, had I heard your story, I would have placed my child [for adoption] and they would have had a better life." I've had people who have had abortions tell me "Had I had accurate and current information, had I heard your story, I would have made a different choice." 

"God was using me to find his family. On this mortal side of things it looks like I shared him with them, but in reality they shared him with me. And the reason is because I needed him too. God got 2 birds with 1 stone: Justin had to go home, but he saved my life on the way." -Tamra

**BTW if you need to mute the playlist on my blog it's located all the way on the bottom of the right side of it:)

"Prayer"

I kept feeling like I was supposed to re-post this post from our personal private blog, so here it is...  I wrote these thoughts quite some time ago...  March 2,  2010 to be exact...right around the time that we first decided to look into adoption...  Isn't crazy how you can write something, have an experience with it and then go back and it is all new to you again like you never wrote it...lol...

As I looked up the video to this post (linked below) It felt so different to me...I instantly thought about our quest to grow our family and how I have prayed and prayed and prayed and how my prayers have grown but then when I read my words below they truly felt profound...I am truly grateful for the peace prayer has given me...

Prayer is the one thing that no matter how alone we may feel or how bad a situation may be that we always have access to...We may not always get the answers we want but we always feel comfort from the Lord...

"Miracle's are wrought through Prayer"

March 2, 2010

I just listened to this little Mormon message and President Thomas S. Monson spoke about prayer. It spoke about how prayer changes things and he said that "Miracle's are wrought through prayer." It is interesting that I just listened to this message because last week I was reading an old Ensign from 2007 and it was speaking about prayer and really hit home to me. It said how Prayer many times isn't about praying for everything that we want...it is about communicating with Heavenly Father so that we can be at peace and one with what he wants for us and then and only then are we able to ask for what he wants to Bless us with....The blessings are there we just have to align ourselves properly for it.

** to Pause the music on this blog scroll down and on right side you will see the playlist**

**I think this is the Ensign article I was referencing as well...**

Agape Love....

I just watched this video today for the first time and thought I would share...It's beautiful.

I also saw this poem where I found this video and there are no words except it is nothing short of amazing....

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
—- Unknown

You have forever changed me...

My Last picture with you...

Oh Emerson...you have forever changed my life...you are so little right now and not even with me but I know that we will meet again one day...you may not remember me here on earth but in Heaven I know you will...You have brought me so much closer to the Savior...You have allowed me to feel things that I never knew possible...You have shown me a part of my husband I so dearly love, you have taught Abbe that she can love again and how to love from afar.  I am thankful for your new family here on earth and who they are...they are amazing beautiful people who are close to Our Father in Heaven.  Heavenly Father has directed them for you as us.  They will lead you to where you need...They will teach you about Him and the Savior and of His unending LOVE for you...They will seal you to our family in Christ.  Through him we are all sealed to our Father. I love you always...

Learning to feel Our Savior's Love...

"Great is our Lord, and of great power; his understanding is infinite" -Psalms 147:5

I have been sitting here thinking of how to say all that I feel and that is in my mind...James and I (and Abbe) have clearly been thru a lot these past few days but we also have been so humbled to the hundreds of people that have expressed their love, anguish, support, service, fasting and prayers for us...Never have I experienced anything like it...I am beyond grateful.

Never in our lives have we felt so unbelievably Humbled...We feel that Heavenly Father has used all of this anguish to bring so many closer to the Savior...We have had so many that have fasted and prayed with us, many not of our faith, many who have never met us, some that are not necessarily religious, and many that have never prayed before...We know that Heavenly Father has used Emerson as a tool for His good and His Glory... He has gathered so many together to feast upon His word and will...Emerson has only been on the Earth a few weeks and already thousands of people know who he is and how absolutely beautiful he is...

"The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth" 

-Psalms 145:18

Emerson has now been placed with Jules' cousins and we feel peace about this and we are so Blessed to have had Emerson during the time he just came here from Heaven...We have forgiven Jules fully, and know that even though we won't be raising little Emerson here that he is still connected to us somehow...For that we are Eternally grateful...

He is so beautiful and we are glad that he has such a loving family with little siblings who will love him dearly and love the Gospel...We so ask Heavenly Father to Bless them and watch over Emerson...This experience has been such a testament to us of the Saviors unending love for us...I know sometimes that we are not aware of why things happen the way they do here in this life, but we do know we will know all of Heavenly Fathers plan when we return to Him...

"Every word of God is pure; he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him"   

- Proverbs 30:5

Many at this time may be asking if this means we are scared to adopt now?  The answer is no. They may ask if we still want to adopt now or soon again?  The answer is yes.  We know we were supposed to have Emerson for his first few weeks of life and we will cherish those weeks forever...but we know other children and we must continue to press forward.  We will be doing all that we can to find them.  Emerson will always have a special spot in our family, we will always love him dearly and another child will never take his place because they will have their own place just like Abbe has her place.

In closing, I am going to share something that a dear friend of my sister's shared with her for us...It is absolutely beautiful and we are so grateful for her profound outlook and feelings for us and Emerson...

"Life works in mysterious ways. One day we've conquered a mountain, the next we've tumbled down a hill. We never know when something truly great is about to happen and always seem to forget about the wonderful things when something seemingly terrible happens. Here is one note to remember: hidden blessings are the most difficult to accept. 

An infants first days, weeks, and months in the world are his most critical. He must adjust in moving from one world to another. This is a transition that no individual will ever remember going through, but it is something that impacts our lives and will shape who we become. During Baby Emerson's first weeks in this world he experienced the Love and guidance from a family who prayed and waited for him. 

What if Emerson hadn't met the Little family? Would he have been cherished as much? Swaddled as much? Watched over as much? No one one this Earth will ever be able to answer these questions. All one can do is Hope. We will always be faced with obstacles and Hope challenges us to discover new strengths and possibility within ourselves and others. 

To the Little family: your strength, devotion, and Love will always carry on triumphantly. Although Baby Emerson may not remember it, you have done more for him in his infancy than he may ever know in his whole life. Never underestimate the power you have given him just by Loving him.

To Baby Emerson: you are so young and you have already experienced more love than many will know in a lifetime. My hope is that the universe will continue to work in ways that will enhance the Love and blessings that surround you.

We may not know why we walk in and out of a persons life but there is a reason. We should all learn from the Little family to have the best intentions when we enter someones life. We may not know why we met them or how we impacted them, we should just know that we did. This calls for tremendous strength and courage and Love.

As a final note I would like to share a blessing. It is a Jewish tradition that every Friday night before the Sabbath dinner the parents give the following blessing to their children:

May God bless you and guard you.
May God show you favor and be gracious to you.
May God show you kindness and grant you peace.

Never forget the Love you receive and the Love you give out. It is the most important possession we have with us on Earth."

Such a Time as This....

I am so thankful for my friend Jonathan Mill's talent and this song...James and I just love his music...If you have never heard anything he sings you will want to get on iTunes after you see this video...God has truly blessed him to convey God's Love for us through the words he writes and sings...

Every time I have ever heard this song I have always felt the Spirit... Heavenly Father prepares us for all things...He always gives us what we need and sometimes what we want...but always what we need...He will never fail us...All He wants is for us to Trust in HIM and allow Him to guide our steps...I am so thankful that He is the one that is always holding my hand...

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

The Road to Adoption...

For some reason I have felt "Impressed" to re-post this post from July 2011...I wrote it on a friends blog but I feel like I am supposed to post it and then bring it up to date...I am not sure why I feel I should share this post but I do know it does convey so many feelings we have felt and I know that it relates to many  of you who have gone through these difficulties of infertility and failed placements...who knows maybe a birthmother is supposed to read this...

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2011

The Road to Adoption...

Hey everyone...My name is Deanna and Stacey has asked me to share my story thus far about our adoption journey...Stacey and I have met because of adoption and I am so thankful about that.  She has been so wonderful to guest post for me on my blog The LDS Adoption Connection and has helped so many to know what it is like to adopt and what it is like to struggle with infertility.  She has asked me to talk about my blog too but I will post that in another post since this one is a little lengthy...lol... 

Where do I begin...I will say for starters that I never in a million years thought I would be on this road...the Adoption Road that is...but I will say that now that I have found it and have been on it for some time, that I know I am going the way that Heavenly Father wants me to go...He is involved every step of the way...

James and Deanna

How did I get on this road you may ask....Well I guess like all do...we wanted to have a baby...lol...My story is a little unusual but typical in some ways. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have tried to "get pregnant" from the start.  I think because I had my daughter prior (she is 10yrs old) to meeting my husband I never though that we would have any issues getting pregnant since I had her.   So for 5 long years we have tried...with no avail - zero pregnancies...the Doctors can not explain why we can't get pregnant...we have had ALL the testing you can...everything is in perfect working order...we even tried assitance...and obviously I can carry a baby full term but still nothing...so this had put us at a real crossroads. 

The pain of infertility is a very lonely one.  One that I have to say in the LDS culture is even harder.  I didn't grow up in the Church so when I had Abbe (my daughter) I was "young" by society standards...but in LDS culture to be 33 yrs old and still be trying is not the typical, at least if you are in a ward like mine (a ward with over 190 children in the primary alone).    Many assumed that we didn't have kids since they assumed we were younger or had not realized that we have Abbe or they would say oh you must not want to have kids or have any more kids...little did they know that our hearts ached inside to have more children and if they only knew.  People can say some really stupid things when they just don't know.  For a long time it was hard for me to relate to women my age at church because many were "done" having kids or saying they wanted to have their tubes tied.  During this time I was called into the Primary, so it became even harder.  But even though it had been hard or still is sometimes I know it wasn't any of their faults.  They didn't know how I felt.  I barely spoke with anyone about it.  It's one of those subjects that you just feel alone.

The 3 of Us in Cabo San Lucas

During this time James (my husband) and I really struggled with the thoughts of our family.  Before we got married we wanted to have a big family.  Ideally, I wanted to have 5 children but time was working against us.  I wanted Abbe to be closer in age to her siblings and that was not happening.  We began to think maybe this is it.  With every month that went by sadness followed...it was often an unspoken sadness.  At one point (about 2 or 3 yrs in) I felt like maybe we are supposed to adopt.  I have cousins who are adopted so I have never had any issues with adopting but the timing wasn't right.  At that point we still hadn't done a ton of fertility testing and James still felt like we should and I agreed...it made sense.  Little did I know we would have some pretty severe emotional trials hit us right after that and it would not have been the time to adopt.  Abbe needed us and she needed all of our focus.  That struggle made us better, more understanding, more patient, and more resilient.  Our Testimonies of the Savior where also strengthened during that time...

The 3 of Us on Abbe's Baptism May  2010

Around early Spring of 2010 I felt compelled to speak about the possibility of adopting with James again...our conversation was kinda one sided...me saying I feel prompted about this...him saying I don't know...I kinda dropped it but asked him if he would pray about it...I was quiet about it for a bit and then one Sunday night we were getting ready for bed and he randomly said yeah I feel we should too...I was elated and teary at the same time...he said he had received confirmations about it multiple times over the weekend...

With that we called LDS Family to begin the process...Through out the process of becoming certified we had many confirmations that this was the right thing to do...that we were supposed to be adopting.  We became certified in September of 2010.  In October of 2010 on a Tuesday LDS Family had called us saying that a woman had chosen us and the baby had been born in September and wanted to place with us that Saturday.  We had a ton of emotions going on to say the least...we were excited and worried at the same time...we were closing on a bigger home at that exact moment and were thinking OMG how are we going to do this but knew it would all work itself out it always did...unfortunately that Friday LDS Family called again with sad news...they could not verify the birth of the baby...yeah you can imagine how we felt...it was a huge blow and hard...worst part was we had to explain to Abbe...it was hard for us but equally hard for her...she thought she was going to have a brother that weekend....but it wasn't meant to be...the timing was not right...so we went on with our lives and luckily I had a new home and moving to help distract me...

Picture Omitted for privacy of K

 Deanna and K and Little Axton (in her tummy)

Then in May 2011, we randomly had a woman named K contact me through parent profiles. (I know this was an answer to a prayer and I wrote about it on my personal blog)  She was the first and only contact we have had.  It only took one...K chose us to be the parents of Axton (the name we have chosen for the baby boy she is carrying) this past May.   One of the things that struck her was that we had a daughter named Abbe and She too has a daughter named Abbi so you can imagine how special that is to her.  She is truly amazing and the most strong and selfless person I know.

Axton is set to be born in the beginning of October and we can't wait to meet him. We know Heavenly Father chose K for us and us for K.  We have seen His hand at work and it is amazing.  I am so thankful for adoption.  I am so thankful that the Lord has led our family on this journey...this wasn't the way I thought it would be, but His plans are ALWAYS better and I am excited to see what else is He has in store for us...

Fast forward looking back as of Dec 2012

Things turned out WAYYYY different than we ever imagined when I wrote this for my friends blog...Shortly after K had changed her mind to place with us (see post for whole story)...We were devastated to say the least...We still know that we were supposed to meet K...she placed with an LDS Family because we helped her connect to LDS Family Services and for that I will always be thankful to Heavenly Father for allowing us to be their connection...It was a hard time, we were so confused and felt like we had invested so much of our hearts and didnt know how to recover or be excited about adoption again....to top it off I was writing and running the LDS Adoption Connection Blog and it was getting harder and harder for me to see placements and be excited for others even though I wanted to be....

Christmas lights at the Mesa Temple 2011

In the Fall of 2011, we were contacted by a few more birth-mothers and had even corresponded but it wasn't the right fit for them or us...some were even trying to decide if they could parent another child since they already had children..Our hearts ached for them as they struggled with this...At the end of the year we had decided to stop paying for parent profiles since we were feeling so over it but left up our itsaboutlove profile...I am not sure how to describe that, I mean you want children but you feel "over it" because the pain and emotional toll the journey can make you feel...we just kinda went into hiding/silence when it came to the Baby Adoption Topic with everyone...

At this Point we Decided to put our focus on some other things and work on ourselves more...Just when we were feeling good...well maybe not good, more like resolved I should say...I mean our Adoption Certification was needing to be renewed with the state this past Spring (2012), but we were not wanting to focus on it due to the pain we felt about it...we decided to just let it lie/lapse and then out of the blue when we were out of state on a trip we were being contacted about a placement situation...one that required us to make an immediate decision if we were interested...there were so many messy-mixed up feelings that resurfaced for us that we thought we had dealt with...this was hard...so we prayed because we had no idea what to do...we felt like we were in a stupor....we needed the Lord to tell us what to do and he did...this was not our baby...Not many people know about this situation that happened for us but we have never felt like we made the wrong choice...Over this past year we have been thru a lot of growing and healing... we have been at ups and downs about the growth of our family and  got to the point where we felt like IVF was the only way to go and had even set an appt and back out because Heavenly Father is saying uh-uh no not that way....

St Louis, November 2012

So that brings us to now (Dec 2012) were we are almost done with re-certifying and we wait...Adoption isn't always just about getting just a baby...any baby...it's about finding YOUR baby..OUR baby.  

**Btw at the time I had written the original post above LDS Adoption Connection was a blog that I took care of but since have passed this blog to others to facilitate last fall (2011)...I am now going to be helping with the FSA Phoenix Blog and LDS Adoption Connection once again, so be on the lookout for new exciting posts that will soon be happening on these blogs! -Deanna

I'm Holding you...

Have you ever felt like the world was crashing around you...like you don't know how you are going to make it? Have you ever felt like NO one has a clue what you are going through inside but are trying to seem like you have got it together...Well, this woman felt like that...At her lowest point she was moved beyond measure...I Challenge you to try to make it through this and not tear up!...

Little Currant Bush...

I don't know if any of your were like me but I loved the talk that Elder D. Todd Christofferson gave at this April's General Conference entitled "As Many as I love, I rebuke and Chasten."  Now many of you may be thinking how does this have to do with Adoption already and I will get there...lol...In this talk he speaks about a farmer and a little Currant bush that was on the farmer's land and that the farmer had to prune down this bush because it wasn't reaching it's potential and then related it to chastening.  

He states:

Divine chastening has at least three purposes: (1) to persuade us to repent, (2) to refine and sanctify us, and (3) at times to redirect our course in life to what God knows is a better path.

When I heard this talk this year it totally hit me...I am that currant bush...There have been so many times that I have wondered "Why are you doing this Heavenly Father?"..."We are doing what we are supposed to do and just want to build our family"...(I am sure many of you can relate)...but then I realized (in an awe moment) that I am needing to be redirected to his plan...his plans are better than mine...even if they are hard for me to see or I feel like how can it be at times, they always are. 

He later goes on to state:

"Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."

... Their faith was immeasurably strengthened by their experience, and ever after they enjoyed a special bond with the Lord.

 The struggles of infertility are enough to try even the most patient people but the rewards that we will have from the struggle are like Elder Christofferson said "immeasurable."

He states:

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us.

Struggles bring us closer to Heavenly Father.  I know that this path of infertility and adoption  leads to special gifts that some others will never get to experience spiritually.   We are being refined and purified so that when we do receive these gifts we are ready and can appreciate them.  He wants us to reach our full potential and sometimes we must be cut down like the little currant bush in order to do so...