An Audri style Blessing...

SO tonight, I was helping Abbe clean her room and we ended up talking about the Gospel and as she calls "rules" that the church has...I had reminded her that those aren't the church's rules those are Heavenly Father's standards to help us receive all the blessings he wants to give us...Then it got me to thinking with her (all on a conversational note with her) that "IF" James and I hadn't made the choices we have made to follow HIS standards we would NEVER have Audri in our home and with our family right now...How is that for heavy?...

What an amazing way to teach Abbe how one choice of say grabbing a coffee, not paying our tithing, not choosing to being baptized, not choosing to get married in the Temple, or not following thru on our Temple covenants could have kept Audri from making it to our family!  Cuh-RAzy if you really think about it... Everything is interconnected...all of it!

I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me. 

Proverbs 8:17

What a huge unbelievable, unimaginable, never would have ever guessed in a million years BLESSING that has come to our family thru our Obedience to Heavenly Father!  Do you want to know what the biggest deciding factor for Audri coming to "our Family" was for her birth family?  That we were a faithful, Temple worthy, LDS family for her.  One that can guide her and give her the opportunity of growing up in the Gospel!

Often, when we go about our everyday lives so many of our choices seem insignificant to our day or to our lives as a whole, especially when we are not thinking eternally...We often think "how is not having a glass of wine going to effect anyone else but me in my worthiness" or "what is the big deal if I NEVER read the Book of Mormon and know for sure if it is true or not?" But this is the thing, Heavenly Father has such immense Blessings waiting for us and we are so small minded in our thinking that we can not even conceive of what he wants for us!

Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for Blessed are they that keep my ways.  Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not. Blessed is the man that hearth me, watching at the posts of my doors.  For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favor of the Lord.  

Proverbs 8:31-35

I am so thankful for this epiphany that Heavenly Father gave me tonight...To be able to SEE what we can not SEE normally...To SEE what He and only He has done for us...To SEE how we must, must Trust...To SEE that we must Follow...To SEE that He is the Master Planner, and To SEE that I don't want to EVER EVER miss out on an Audri style Blessing..who would!  I will stay obedient and follow because He sooooo knows what He is doing.  It makes me wonder what other Audri style Blessings are out there waiting for me...Seriously, OUR God is so sooo Good!

The Ant of Adoption...

Sometimes I feel like this Ant...

I mean as look at this picture it looks like this ant is workin hard, really hard, who knows how long he has been working to push that drop of water and alone...I feel like this Ant in relation to the waiting game when it comes to us growing our family...I seriously feel like the slowest ones on the block at times, like I just can't seem to get to where I want fast enough since its been almost 7 yrs (since we got married) of us wanting to have children and just when we think we are growing or have grown it all changes in a blink of an eye and we are back to square one with no growth...waiting is HARD...I wish it was different and this was easier or maybe that I was just way more patient...The Lord definitely knows I have acquired way more in the patience department...he has refined me ALOT in that subject...lol...

But even though this is hard, I understand that He is preparing us to be who He needs us to be with this struggle and that He does have perfect timing in all things even if I say sometimes I wish his timeline was like now...lol...when I think of the fact that He is caring for the sweet little spirits that will one day pitter patter around our house...the same sweet spirits that will make it messy (can u believe that I actually look forward to that), the sweet spirits that will have lots of hugs and kisses to give, the sweet little spirits that may/ most likely pull on little Paris' tail (our dog) and may even do fashion shows with her as Abbe has, the sweet little spirits that we will share our world with, the sweet spirits that Abbe will snuggle and read with, the sweet little spirits that we will cherish forever, I totally feel better and ok with His timing.

Now, as I write this and I look at this Ant, I think of what I can not see in it...Maybe the Ant is almost there where ever there is,  maybe he has worked so hard and is about to get to his family or just dump this water drop on his ant hill...lol...but seriously the important part is how we look at it, as a inspiration to not give up, to not doubt, to keep going, to hold on, to trust, and to push thru til we reach the destination we are called to reach...

No one ever said it was going to be easy but it will be worth it...

"Prayer"

I kept feeling like I was supposed to re-post this post from our personal private blog, so here it is...  I wrote these thoughts quite some time ago...  March 2,  2010 to be exact...right around the time that we first decided to look into adoption...  Isn't crazy how you can write something, have an experience with it and then go back and it is all new to you again like you never wrote it...lol...

As I looked up the video to this post (linked below) It felt so different to me...I instantly thought about our quest to grow our family and how I have prayed and prayed and prayed and how my prayers have grown but then when I read my words below they truly felt profound...I am truly grateful for the peace prayer has given me...

Prayer is the one thing that no matter how alone we may feel or how bad a situation may be that we always have access to...We may not always get the answers we want but we always feel comfort from the Lord...

"Miracle's are wrought through Prayer"

March 2, 2010

I just listened to this little Mormon message and President Thomas S. Monson spoke about prayer. It spoke about how prayer changes things and he said that "Miracle's are wrought through prayer." It is interesting that I just listened to this message because last week I was reading an old Ensign from 2007 and it was speaking about prayer and really hit home to me. It said how Prayer many times isn't about praying for everything that we want...it is about communicating with Heavenly Father so that we can be at peace and one with what he wants for us and then and only then are we able to ask for what he wants to Bless us with....The blessings are there we just have to align ourselves properly for it.

** to Pause the music on this blog scroll down and on right side you will see the playlist**

**I think this is the Ensign article I was referencing as well...**

My Baby, Not my child...

I just watched these videos a friend had posted on Facebook and they are nothing short of amazing and I just had to share...

The clips are from a woman who is now a birth-mother (a strong,selfless,inspiring birthmother!), how she ended up choosing adoption, why she chose adoption, and the process of thought that occurs for someone going through this...she had chronicled her pregnancy through photos which you will see with in...

**The videos all together are around 7 minutes so nothing to lengthy and if the playlist is already playing on this blog as you are reading you can pause it by scrolling to the bottom of the blog where it is located....

Sometimes you got to lose til you win...

Today when I was getting ready for the day I was listening to the playlist on this blog...I listen to it a lot...and every time I listen, it's like each song is talking to me..hence a lot of the song choices I have on there mean a lot to me...

(P.S. you may want to pause the playlist by scrolling to the bottom of the blog so that you may watch the videos if it is playing already)

I was listening to the song "Little Miss" by Sugarland and I feel like the little miss who they are talking about...I know in my past when I have gone through struggles and disappointments I have just hidden my head in the sand and stuffed things down...I was a master of distraction...I always have been...I would just work more because there was always plenty to do but now I don't work and am forced to deal with my emotions...In the song a big part of the chorus speaks of it being alright and sometimes you got to lose til you win...I know this to be true.  When we lose and get back up it makes us stronger and we often find things that we would have never looked for. The only failures in life are those that aren't willing to risk feeling hurt and failing again in order to get what they really want. The risk takers always eventually succeed...

After that song, the song "Because You Loved me" by Celine Dion came on and as I listened to the words in this song I instantly thought of James and how I feel like he has taken such amazing care of me...every part of this song made me think of him...It made me think of the Savior too. Yes, I know its' Celine Dion and it's a kinda mushy song, well really mushy song but the words are what matter...

James has been like the Savior for me too in this and without him I don't know how I could have managed recently...I know this song talks in past tense but I have felt as if He has been everything I have needed and I know Heavenly Father has chosen him for me...Sometimes people may not see all that I see or what our extended family see's him do for me and our immediate family.  This failed placement has not just crushed me its been extremely painful for him as well...He has been the one that had to speak to others when I couldn't, even when his pain was just as real as mine...Men are often expected to be the tough strong ones and he has such incredible strength...strength that until now I have never seen to this extent...I love him so much and just when I think I am full somehow how I love him more.

James is working in Vegas this week and this morning he sent me this video below on Facebook to me. He knows how I feel and what I need...I am so eternally grateful that my husband is faithful and Believes.  I am thankful he loves me and Abbe so...I am thankful he will be the father to all my children to come and is the man he is...I am thankful for his strength for me.  I know that even though we have felt incredible loss with this I still do feel as though I have won in a way for what i have learned and seen...For this I am grateful. 

Agape Love....

I just watched this video today for the first time and thought I would share...It's beautiful.

I also saw this poem where I found this video and there are no words except it is nothing short of amazing....

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
—- Unknown

What's mine is yours...

I heard this song a few weeks back but now it has so much more meaning...beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time since Emerson's placement did not exactly end as we had hoped for...Everyday is really hard but each day I feel stronger and it becomes more manageable...I know the Lord has a plan for all of this and He teaches us so much during our hardest trials...I am grateful for those Blessings even though I am so over having trials...




Below is a series of videos that tell the story that inspired the song to be written above...I have felt so many of the feelings that Addie decribes in these videos through out our journey to grow our family...for those that have never adopted, don't know much about it, don't know how to understand, don't know what to say to someone like me or are adopting these videos are really amazing...they are pretty short and worth the watch...

You have forever changed me...

My Last picture with you...

Oh Emerson...you have forever changed my life...you are so little right now and not even with me but I know that we will meet again one day...you may not remember me here on earth but in Heaven I know you will...You have brought me so much closer to the Savior...You have allowed me to feel things that I never knew possible...You have shown me a part of my husband I so dearly love, you have taught Abbe that she can love again and how to love from afar.  I am thankful for your new family here on earth and who they are...they are amazing beautiful people who are close to Our Father in Heaven.  Heavenly Father has directed them for you as us.  They will lead you to where you need...They will teach you about Him and the Savior and of His unending LOVE for you...They will seal you to our family in Christ.  Through him we are all sealed to our Father. I love you always...

Such a Time as This....

I am so thankful for my friend Jonathan Mill's talent and this song...James and I just love his music...If you have never heard anything he sings you will want to get on iTunes after you see this video...God has truly blessed him to convey God's Love for us through the words he writes and sings...

Every time I have ever heard this song I have always felt the Spirit... Heavenly Father prepares us for all things...He always gives us what we need and sometimes what we want...but always what we need...He will never fail us...All He wants is for us to Trust in HIM and allow Him to guide our steps...I am so thankful that He is the one that is always holding my hand...

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

I'm Holding you...

Have you ever felt like the world was crashing around you...like you don't know how you are going to make it? Have you ever felt like NO one has a clue what you are going through inside but are trying to seem like you have got it together...Well, this woman felt like that...At her lowest point she was moved beyond measure...I Challenge you to try to make it through this and not tear up!...

Cake...

So I have posted this story a long time ago but I was reading my friend Elise's blog and came across it again (that is where I read it a long time ago) and it made me feel like I was supposed to re-post it...The story is so true in so many ways and I know that when our cake comes it will be perfect in every way.  This story so reminds me that all great things are worth the wait! -Deanna

  

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!



The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."



The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."


Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.


As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.


Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."


There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breathe. That's all you can do. You breathe and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.


After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.


Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you. If you look, you can see him there."


You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.


You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way... the waiting, the crying, the agony....it's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Little Currant Bush...

I don't know if any of your were like me but I loved the talk that Elder D. Todd Christofferson gave at this April's General Conference entitled "As Many as I love, I rebuke and Chasten."  Now many of you may be thinking how does this have to do with Adoption already and I will get there...lol...In this talk he speaks about a farmer and a little Currant bush that was on the farmer's land and that the farmer had to prune down this bush because it wasn't reaching it's potential and then related it to chastening.  

He states:

Divine chastening has at least three purposes: (1) to persuade us to repent, (2) to refine and sanctify us, and (3) at times to redirect our course in life to what God knows is a better path.

When I heard this talk this year it totally hit me...I am that currant bush...There have been so many times that I have wondered "Why are you doing this Heavenly Father?"..."We are doing what we are supposed to do and just want to build our family"...(I am sure many of you can relate)...but then I realized (in an awe moment) that I am needing to be redirected to his plan...his plans are better than mine...even if they are hard for me to see or I feel like how can it be at times, they always are. 

He later goes on to state:

"Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."

... Their faith was immeasurably strengthened by their experience, and ever after they enjoyed a special bond with the Lord.

 The struggles of infertility are enough to try even the most patient people but the rewards that we will have from the struggle are like Elder Christofferson said "immeasurable."

He states:

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us.

Struggles bring us closer to Heavenly Father.  I know that this path of infertility and adoption  leads to special gifts that some others will never get to experience spiritually.   We are being refined and purified so that when we do receive these gifts we are ready and can appreciate them.  He wants us to reach our full potential and sometimes we must be cut down like the little currant bush in order to do so...