Sometimes you got to lose til you win...

Today when I was getting ready for the day I was listening to the playlist on this blog...I listen to it a lot...and every time I listen, it's like each song is talking to me..hence a lot of the song choices I have on there mean a lot to me...

(P.S. you may want to pause the playlist by scrolling to the bottom of the blog so that you may watch the videos if it is playing already)

I was listening to the song "Little Miss" by Sugarland and I feel like the little miss who they are talking about...I know in my past when I have gone through struggles and disappointments I have just hidden my head in the sand and stuffed things down...I was a master of distraction...I always have been...I would just work more because there was always plenty to do but now I don't work and am forced to deal with my emotions...In the song a big part of the chorus speaks of it being alright and sometimes you got to lose til you win...I know this to be true.  When we lose and get back up it makes us stronger and we often find things that we would have never looked for. The only failures in life are those that aren't willing to risk feeling hurt and failing again in order to get what they really want. The risk takers always eventually succeed...

After that song, the song "Because You Loved me" by Celine Dion came on and as I listened to the words in this song I instantly thought of James and how I feel like he has taken such amazing care of me...every part of this song made me think of him...It made me think of the Savior too. Yes, I know its' Celine Dion and it's a kinda mushy song, well really mushy song but the words are what matter...

James has been like the Savior for me too in this and without him I don't know how I could have managed recently...I know this song talks in past tense but I have felt as if He has been everything I have needed and I know Heavenly Father has chosen him for me...Sometimes people may not see all that I see or what our extended family see's him do for me and our immediate family.  This failed placement has not just crushed me its been extremely painful for him as well...He has been the one that had to speak to others when I couldn't, even when his pain was just as real as mine...Men are often expected to be the tough strong ones and he has such incredible strength...strength that until now I have never seen to this extent...I love him so much and just when I think I am full somehow how I love him more.

James is working in Vegas this week and this morning he sent me this video below on Facebook to me. He knows how I feel and what I need...I am so eternally grateful that my husband is faithful and Believes.  I am thankful he loves me and Abbe so...I am thankful he will be the father to all my children to come and is the man he is...I am thankful for his strength for me.  I know that even though we have felt incredible loss with this I still do feel as though I have won in a way for what i have learned and seen...For this I am grateful. 

Moving forward...

I sit here thinking a lot has happened since Friday...I mean as in progress for me and our grief over our failed placement reversal...those are tough words to say...I am not sure why we had to experience this exactly but know that I have learned a lot...I feel way more compassion and understanding for others...I feel more love and closer to the Lord...I am thankful for that

Today, I had to go to LDS Family Services and pick up our car seat and diaper bag....it had been sitting there for two weeks...They needed it to bring Emerson Back to california and til today I couldn't even bring myself to get it...It made it more real that we don't have a baby but I did ok...I do feel ok with moving forward to find our other babies...On Friday our Itsaboutlove profile went live again and we are now officially up and running on Parent Profiles.

Everyday, I am able to do a little bit more and even though it hurts, I still love the thought of our next baby coming to us...the baby that will be with us always...it still stings to think of Emerson not being with us but I know God uses all things/experiences to work for our good and I am thankful for the family he is with and our connection to them...

Sometimes I feel like I hope our next baby is a girl just so I don't feel pain of what just occurred by having a girl but I know that won't  necessarily make the pain go away any better than having a boy...that pain part will just take time...

In the adoption world it is really easy to say you want one sex over the other...you don't get to choose the sex when you are pregnant so why should we choose the sex when we are adopting...we know that whether our next baby is a boy or girl we will love them the same and soooo much...that part I can't wait for...the part where you can just love them up, look at them, and hold them...

I am so thankful for all of our friends that are trying so hard to help us get the word out by passing our blog, liking our Facebook page, and with pass-a-long cards!  We know that our birth mom and baby are out there...she may even be reading this now...we know that our blog has been seen by many now and has even been passed to some birth moms...

So for now we sit and wait again...I will say that those that know me really well will know I don't like waiting at all...patience I think you are sometimes born with (those people are really blessed with that gift) or it is something you have to learn over and over and over (like for me) but I know that the Lord always does everything in the right time and that thankfully gives me more strength to endure the wait...

You have forever changed me...

My Last picture with you...

Oh Emerson...you have forever changed my life...you are so little right now and not even with me but I know that we will meet again one day...you may not remember me here on earth but in Heaven I know you will...You have brought me so much closer to the Savior...You have allowed me to feel things that I never knew possible...You have shown me a part of my husband I so dearly love, you have taught Abbe that she can love again and how to love from afar.  I am thankful for your new family here on earth and who they are...they are amazing beautiful people who are close to Our Father in Heaven.  Heavenly Father has directed them for you as us.  They will lead you to where you need...They will teach you about Him and the Savior and of His unending LOVE for you...They will seal you to our family in Christ.  Through him we are all sealed to our Father. I love you always...

Learning to feel Our Savior's Love...

"Great is our Lord, and of great power; his understanding is infinite" -Psalms 147:5

I have been sitting here thinking of how to say all that I feel and that is in my mind...James and I (and Abbe) have clearly been thru a lot these past few days but we also have been so humbled to the hundreds of people that have expressed their love, anguish, support, service, fasting and prayers for us...Never have I experienced anything like it...I am beyond grateful.

Never in our lives have we felt so unbelievably Humbled...We feel that Heavenly Father has used all of this anguish to bring so many closer to the Savior...We have had so many that have fasted and prayed with us, many not of our faith, many who have never met us, some that are not necessarily religious, and many that have never prayed before...We know that Heavenly Father has used Emerson as a tool for His good and His Glory... He has gathered so many together to feast upon His word and will...Emerson has only been on the Earth a few weeks and already thousands of people know who he is and how absolutely beautiful he is...

"The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth" 

-Psalms 145:18

Emerson has now been placed with Jules' cousins and we feel peace about this and we are so Blessed to have had Emerson during the time he just came here from Heaven...We have forgiven Jules fully, and know that even though we won't be raising little Emerson here that he is still connected to us somehow...For that we are Eternally grateful...

He is so beautiful and we are glad that he has such a loving family with little siblings who will love him dearly and love the Gospel...We so ask Heavenly Father to Bless them and watch over Emerson...This experience has been such a testament to us of the Saviors unending love for us...I know sometimes that we are not aware of why things happen the way they do here in this life, but we do know we will know all of Heavenly Fathers plan when we return to Him...

"Every word of God is pure; he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him"   

- Proverbs 30:5

Many at this time may be asking if this means we are scared to adopt now?  The answer is no. They may ask if we still want to adopt now or soon again?  The answer is yes.  We know we were supposed to have Emerson for his first few weeks of life and we will cherish those weeks forever...but we know other children and we must continue to press forward.  We will be doing all that we can to find them.  Emerson will always have a special spot in our family, we will always love him dearly and another child will never take his place because they will have their own place just like Abbe has her place.

In closing, I am going to share something that a dear friend of my sister's shared with her for us...It is absolutely beautiful and we are so grateful for her profound outlook and feelings for us and Emerson...

"Life works in mysterious ways. One day we've conquered a mountain, the next we've tumbled down a hill. We never know when something truly great is about to happen and always seem to forget about the wonderful things when something seemingly terrible happens. Here is one note to remember: hidden blessings are the most difficult to accept. 

An infants first days, weeks, and months in the world are his most critical. He must adjust in moving from one world to another. This is a transition that no individual will ever remember going through, but it is something that impacts our lives and will shape who we become. During Baby Emerson's first weeks in this world he experienced the Love and guidance from a family who prayed and waited for him. 

What if Emerson hadn't met the Little family? Would he have been cherished as much? Swaddled as much? Watched over as much? No one one this Earth will ever be able to answer these questions. All one can do is Hope. We will always be faced with obstacles and Hope challenges us to discover new strengths and possibility within ourselves and others. 

To the Little family: your strength, devotion, and Love will always carry on triumphantly. Although Baby Emerson may not remember it, you have done more for him in his infancy than he may ever know in his whole life. Never underestimate the power you have given him just by Loving him.

To Baby Emerson: you are so young and you have already experienced more love than many will know in a lifetime. My hope is that the universe will continue to work in ways that will enhance the Love and blessings that surround you.

We may not know why we walk in and out of a persons life but there is a reason. We should all learn from the Little family to have the best intentions when we enter someones life. We may not know why we met them or how we impacted them, we should just know that we did. This calls for tremendous strength and courage and Love.

As a final note I would like to share a blessing. It is a Jewish tradition that every Friday night before the Sabbath dinner the parents give the following blessing to their children:

May God bless you and guard you.
May God show you favor and be gracious to you.
May God show you kindness and grant you peace.

Never forget the Love you receive and the Love you give out. It is the most important possession we have with us on Earth."

So so sad and broken hearted...

"Let thy Cry come near before thee, O Lord: give me understanding according to thy word" - Psalms 119:169

I feel very numb at the moment...I have gone through so many emotions in the past few hours and wonder why and can only ask for Heavenly Father to help me understand what has just happened...

There are no words to explain what our family is going through as well as our extended family.  PLEASE PLEASE Pray for us...Pray for Emerson....we miss him so dearly already...Jules revoked her relinquishment yesterday afternoon after 4 weeks and LDS Family Services came for Emerson and brought him back to California...

Jules is set to place him with a cousin now...A wonderful cousin who is pro adoption and has even adopted and  even congratulated us about our adoption from this blog...My heart is broken...

I PRAY for these cousins to seek confirmation and to pray to pray fervently about this ....

PRAY for Emerson to be surrounded by guardian Angels..I swear he see's them all the time...

PRAY for Jules to REMEMBER why she chose us and the Spiritual experience she had at the Temple and the confirmation she received....

We love Emerson so much and I have never felt pain like this ever in my life...I feel like I have been forced to give my child away, I never made any choices to create this feeling and we did everything right...the only feeling that I can compare to this would be the death of a child...I am a mess...James and I have gone through so much in our quest to grow our family and are at a loss...Abbe is unbelievably heartbroken...Her little brother was taken away, and I have never heard her cry like she has...why would someone do this...please Heavenly Father help me to feel peace and comfort even if I can not understand ones reasoning...

We love you Emerson...It is so hard that you are not here...your sweet spirit..your little lambie grunts, your beautiful blue eyes and baby smell...We long for you to be with us again...

"Lead me in thy truth, and teach me;for thou art the God of my Salvation; on thee do I wait all day." - Psalms 25:5

"Remember , O Lord thy Tender Mercies and thy lovingkindness; for they have been ever of old" - Psalms 25:6

The Road to Adoption...

For some reason I have felt "Impressed" to re-post this post from July 2011...I wrote it on a friends blog but I feel like I am supposed to post it and then bring it up to date...I am not sure why I feel I should share this post but I do know it does convey so many feelings we have felt and I know that it relates to many  of you who have gone through these difficulties of infertility and failed placements...who knows maybe a birthmother is supposed to read this...

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2011

The Road to Adoption...

Hey everyone...My name is Deanna and Stacey has asked me to share my story thus far about our adoption journey...Stacey and I have met because of adoption and I am so thankful about that.  She has been so wonderful to guest post for me on my blog The LDS Adoption Connection and has helped so many to know what it is like to adopt and what it is like to struggle with infertility.  She has asked me to talk about my blog too but I will post that in another post since this one is a little lengthy...lol... 

Where do I begin...I will say for starters that I never in a million years thought I would be on this road...the Adoption Road that is...but I will say that now that I have found it and have been on it for some time, that I know I am going the way that Heavenly Father wants me to go...He is involved every step of the way...

James and Deanna

How did I get on this road you may ask....Well I guess like all do...we wanted to have a baby...lol...My story is a little unusual but typical in some ways. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have tried to "get pregnant" from the start.  I think because I had my daughter prior (she is 10yrs old) to meeting my husband I never though that we would have any issues getting pregnant since I had her.   So for 5 long years we have tried...with no avail - zero pregnancies...the Doctors can not explain why we can't get pregnant...we have had ALL the testing you can...everything is in perfect working order...we even tried assitance...and obviously I can carry a baby full term but still nothing...so this had put us at a real crossroads. 

The pain of infertility is a very lonely one.  One that I have to say in the LDS culture is even harder.  I didn't grow up in the Church so when I had Abbe (my daughter) I was "young" by society standards...but in LDS culture to be 33 yrs old and still be trying is not the typical, at least if you are in a ward like mine (a ward with over 190 children in the primary alone).    Many assumed that we didn't have kids since they assumed we were younger or had not realized that we have Abbe or they would say oh you must not want to have kids or have any more kids...little did they know that our hearts ached inside to have more children and if they only knew.  People can say some really stupid things when they just don't know.  For a long time it was hard for me to relate to women my age at church because many were "done" having kids or saying they wanted to have their tubes tied.  During this time I was called into the Primary, so it became even harder.  But even though it had been hard or still is sometimes I know it wasn't any of their faults.  They didn't know how I felt.  I barely spoke with anyone about it.  It's one of those subjects that you just feel alone.

The 3 of Us in Cabo San Lucas

During this time James (my husband) and I really struggled with the thoughts of our family.  Before we got married we wanted to have a big family.  Ideally, I wanted to have 5 children but time was working against us.  I wanted Abbe to be closer in age to her siblings and that was not happening.  We began to think maybe this is it.  With every month that went by sadness followed...it was often an unspoken sadness.  At one point (about 2 or 3 yrs in) I felt like maybe we are supposed to adopt.  I have cousins who are adopted so I have never had any issues with adopting but the timing wasn't right.  At that point we still hadn't done a ton of fertility testing and James still felt like we should and I agreed...it made sense.  Little did I know we would have some pretty severe emotional trials hit us right after that and it would not have been the time to adopt.  Abbe needed us and she needed all of our focus.  That struggle made us better, more understanding, more patient, and more resilient.  Our Testimonies of the Savior where also strengthened during that time...

The 3 of Us on Abbe's Baptism May  2010

Around early Spring of 2010 I felt compelled to speak about the possibility of adopting with James again...our conversation was kinda one sided...me saying I feel prompted about this...him saying I don't know...I kinda dropped it but asked him if he would pray about it...I was quiet about it for a bit and then one Sunday night we were getting ready for bed and he randomly said yeah I feel we should too...I was elated and teary at the same time...he said he had received confirmations about it multiple times over the weekend...

With that we called LDS Family to begin the process...Through out the process of becoming certified we had many confirmations that this was the right thing to do...that we were supposed to be adopting.  We became certified in September of 2010.  In October of 2010 on a Tuesday LDS Family had called us saying that a woman had chosen us and the baby had been born in September and wanted to place with us that Saturday.  We had a ton of emotions going on to say the least...we were excited and worried at the same time...we were closing on a bigger home at that exact moment and were thinking OMG how are we going to do this but knew it would all work itself out it always did...unfortunately that Friday LDS Family called again with sad news...they could not verify the birth of the baby...yeah you can imagine how we felt...it was a huge blow and hard...worst part was we had to explain to Abbe...it was hard for us but equally hard for her...she thought she was going to have a brother that weekend....but it wasn't meant to be...the timing was not right...so we went on with our lives and luckily I had a new home and moving to help distract me...

Picture Omitted for privacy of K

 Deanna and K and Little Axton (in her tummy)

Then in May 2011, we randomly had a woman named K contact me through parent profiles. (I know this was an answer to a prayer and I wrote about it on my personal blog)  She was the first and only contact we have had.  It only took one...K chose us to be the parents of Axton (the name we have chosen for the baby boy she is carrying) this past May.   One of the things that struck her was that we had a daughter named Abbe and She too has a daughter named Abbi so you can imagine how special that is to her.  She is truly amazing and the most strong and selfless person I know.

Axton is set to be born in the beginning of October and we can't wait to meet him. We know Heavenly Father chose K for us and us for K.  We have seen His hand at work and it is amazing.  I am so thankful for adoption.  I am so thankful that the Lord has led our family on this journey...this wasn't the way I thought it would be, but His plans are ALWAYS better and I am excited to see what else is He has in store for us...

Fast forward looking back as of Dec 2012

Things turned out WAYYYY different than we ever imagined when I wrote this for my friends blog...Shortly after K had changed her mind to place with us (see post for whole story)...We were devastated to say the least...We still know that we were supposed to meet K...she placed with an LDS Family because we helped her connect to LDS Family Services and for that I will always be thankful to Heavenly Father for allowing us to be their connection...It was a hard time, we were so confused and felt like we had invested so much of our hearts and didnt know how to recover or be excited about adoption again....to top it off I was writing and running the LDS Adoption Connection Blog and it was getting harder and harder for me to see placements and be excited for others even though I wanted to be....

Christmas lights at the Mesa Temple 2011

In the Fall of 2011, we were contacted by a few more birth-mothers and had even corresponded but it wasn't the right fit for them or us...some were even trying to decide if they could parent another child since they already had children..Our hearts ached for them as they struggled with this...At the end of the year we had decided to stop paying for parent profiles since we were feeling so over it but left up our itsaboutlove profile...I am not sure how to describe that, I mean you want children but you feel "over it" because the pain and emotional toll the journey can make you feel...we just kinda went into hiding/silence when it came to the Baby Adoption Topic with everyone...

At this Point we Decided to put our focus on some other things and work on ourselves more...Just when we were feeling good...well maybe not good, more like resolved I should say...I mean our Adoption Certification was needing to be renewed with the state this past Spring (2012), but we were not wanting to focus on it due to the pain we felt about it...we decided to just let it lie/lapse and then out of the blue when we were out of state on a trip we were being contacted about a placement situation...one that required us to make an immediate decision if we were interested...there were so many messy-mixed up feelings that resurfaced for us that we thought we had dealt with...this was hard...so we prayed because we had no idea what to do...we felt like we were in a stupor....we needed the Lord to tell us what to do and he did...this was not our baby...Not many people know about this situation that happened for us but we have never felt like we made the wrong choice...Over this past year we have been thru a lot of growing and healing... we have been at ups and downs about the growth of our family and  got to the point where we felt like IVF was the only way to go and had even set an appt and back out because Heavenly Father is saying uh-uh no not that way....

St Louis, November 2012

So that brings us to now (Dec 2012) were we are almost done with re-certifying and we wait...Adoption isn't always just about getting just a baby...any baby...it's about finding YOUR baby..OUR baby.  

**Btw at the time I had written the original post above LDS Adoption Connection was a blog that I took care of but since have passed this blog to others to facilitate last fall (2011)...I am now going to be helping with the FSA Phoenix Blog and LDS Adoption Connection once again, so be on the lookout for new exciting posts that will soon be happening on these blogs! -Deanna

Sad News...

So today our caseworker from LDS Family called me and informed us that K has changed her mind and has decided not to place with us...I am not sure how to feel...I feel a little numb at the moment...But I do know that the only feelings I feel is sad and hurt...I do not feel mad or angry with K at all...I know this must have been hard for her and I would never want someone to place with us or make the biggest decision of their life if they weren't 100% sure...I know she never meant to hurt us and that this is such a difficult time in her life.  I wish her nothing but happiness and I do already forgive her for this hurt we feel.  I hope she does find the right family for her baby and that her heart is eased during this time since I know it is so hard.  I know that everything happens for a reason in the big picture and eventually we may know why but we may not and that is ok too...

The hardest part was having to tell Abbe today that K changed her mind and that she wasn't going to have a brother...she so can't wait to have a brother or sister and I already had to deliver this type of news once before already and I am not sure if I can do it again after this one...It's one thing for my heart to hurt but its another to have to tell Abbe something that I know will make hers hurt too...this is a part that I truly detest about adoption, I guess it is like a miscarriage except with this your child feels rejected even when you try to explain it in a way so they don't feel like that...No one can understand what that is like unless they have been there and I would never wish that on anyone...

I am not sure why this is but do know that Heavenly Father has a plan and I guess this is just part of it...I am thankful that I at least was with James and not back in Phoenix yet and with him still in KC to find this out...I know that this "is what it is" and that is why when LDS Family said they were going to re-post our profile unless we wanted some time I said no re-post it...I want it up...I now know that the baby that Kristy is pregnant with was not supposed to be our son...it was not supposed to be and I don't want anything we do (like having our profile on hold) to keep our baby from coming to our family.

Lastly,  I know that everyone (church/family/friends) knows that we had been matched and I know it could be hard to know what to say to me...I don't expect you to know...and I would rather just have you know how I feel so you don't have to ask me questions... that is why I write through my blog because some of this stuff is really hard for me to talk about with everyone at church or friends that I don't talk to everyday but I am thankful I have all of you, even if I don't talk about my feelings re: this all the time with you....hurt is hard and it is one thing I don't ever like to talk about with others until I am way healed and ready...I don't like to feel needy...but at the same time I will say it helps to know you care...that's all you have to say...

12/10/12 Update:
I want you the reader to know that K did in fact reach out to us after this...after she had her son in October...she did still place...she felt horrible and so sorry for our anguish that we suffered when she decided not to place with us...she decided to place with another family because we lived so far away and she felt she would never be able to visit on her own accord...Of course we already had forgiven her...It meant alot to me that she was worried about us and reached out...I was sad that she felt so bad...I know that K and I were supposed to meet...Her son that she placed is in a wonderful LDS family in her state and because we met she was using the agency we referred her to...LDS Family Services.  K is doing well now...and I think she feels at peace with her decision as far as I know...I know this is where her little boy was supposed to be and wish her and her family nothing but the best.

I have also omitted some of the previous posts in my blog in relation to K since they no longer seem appropriate and so that a potential new birth-mother didn't think we were already placed with.

Update

So I must apologize that I haven't posted in a bit there has been a lot going on this past few holiday months. For starters we moved to a a new bigger home. We are still really close to our old one but we have been looking for a bigger home for about 2 years now and finally found one at a great deal.

In the midst of dealing with all the loan stuff we thought we were going to be adopting but it turned out the girl never had a baby or at least LDS family services could not verify she actually did. Talk about crazy emotional roller coaster. LDS family called on Tuesday and said you have been chosen and the baby is born and the birth-mom is wanting to place on Saturday to we don't think she ever had a baby by Friday...pretty tough pill to swallow...luckily, I have some really great girlfriends...I didn't talk much about this back in November but I wasn't ready... we were really bummed about it... guess it wasn't meant to be... It was probably best that I was distracted right after with our new home. So that is much of the reason we have not posted in a while.

As for everything else though life is good...we had Christmas morning And celebrated new years in our new home with my family and still was able to make cookies with my sister that week! I really love our new home, it feels so much more like us and already feels cozy. It definitely is my new project. I think the only room I feel is done is abbe's and my kitchen. Go figure, but that is fine I have plenty of time now that abbe is back in school...lol...