The Lord is so Good...To Him we give ALL the Glory!!!

 

Well, I figured it was about time to write on my blog again since I haven't since little Miss Audri (that is what we have named her with the help of her birthmother) arrived into our home...She truly is a "Princess of the Lord" as her middle name SARIAH means.  She is absolutely beautiful and I am so thankful for the Lord's tender mercies in all the events surrounding her placement with us.  The Lord was preparing us for her and her birth family for us.

I was speaking to my best girlfriend today and she asked me how it all felt to have her especially in light of the struggles we have had to endure to get to this point and all I could say is that this was all the Lord's work...He is truly in control of it all and everything we do in this life is for Him and His purpose.

Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established. 

Proverbs 16:3

The past few months have been some of the most rewarding and darkest moments of our Life...But thru all the hardship and struggle we had to endure after Emerson's placement disruption we could have easily chosen to turn away from the Lord and try to deal with it within "our own understanding" and not progressed to be what He wanted us to be, but instead we CHOSE to stay close to the Savior..to rely on Him, to Love Him, to seek Him, to cry to Him and to truly get to know Him more than we ever thought we could...In many ways I am so thankful for this struggle (I am not saying I would have chosen it and still it sometimes hurts to think about).  It pushed us to dig deeper and feel more and look at others as He does.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him; He shall direct thy paths.  

Proverbs 3:5-6

I haven't shared Audri's placement story yet (not sure how I plan to share it on here due to wanting to keep Audri's birthmothers privacy) but the same day that we found out that Audri's sweet birthmother wanted us to be Audri's family, it was the same day Emerson's adoption placement finalized!  Talk about amazing...that morning I saw a picture of Emerson's family commemorating it and all I could feel was JOY...I felt no pain at all...none...The Lord is so good to have always given me peace in this way...  I was so incredibly happy he was in their family now forever.  He is loved, adored and most importantly has the Gospel... His adoptive mother and I have a really special connection, one I can not explain and I love her dearly for all she does for him.

I had seen their finalization picture on Facebook when I thought that Audri was just going to be with us temporarily to foster...her birth-mother had to choose a family still and I was't sure if that was going to be us or not, but I remember thinking how grateful I was to the Lord that He would even trust us a few days with His precious daughter and How beautiful He was for this.  Of course, you can only imagine my joy when I showed up to LDS Family Services around noon and they told me that Audri's birthmother had chosen us!  All I could think was Thank you Lord for trusting us and I realized that for the first time in my life I truly gave ALL CONTROL to Him and He Blessed me more than I could have ever imagined.

Every word of God is pure; he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him. 

Proverbs 30:5

Today, while I was taking care of Audri I watched the movie This is Our Time and in it they were dealing with grief.  It spoke of the fact that often times pain helps us to become who the Lord needs us to be at this very moment.  Meaning, if we hadn't endured this 7 year struggle of infertility, an adoption scam, a failed placement, and Emerson's placement reversal...we wouldn't be the people He needs us to be right now for Audri, Abbe, Audri's birthmother, for each other, and most importantly for Him. He truly has used us to touch other people's lives thru this struggle and to Him we give ALL the glory of this precious gift...  

SURPRISE!!!

Yesterday, we got a call that a sweet baby girl had been born and LDS Family was needing a possible temporary foster home and today we found out when we went to get this sweet baby that her selfless beautiful birthmother was wanting to choose us as a family for her!  She was born on Monday...

Her birthmother is so selfless and we are so beyond grateful for this little sweet spirit.  James is in Hawaii working so he hasn't gotten to meet her "officially" yet but he at least has gotten to FaceTime with us...she is Absolutely BEAUTIFUL and the sweetest thing...

Why did she choose Adoption?

I posted this on the LDS Adoption Connection blog the other day (I write and help admin the blog) but I couldn't help but think that their may be a girl that could be considering placing her baby for adoption that might end up seeing our blog and I didn't want them to miss out on hearing Tamra's story...It is raw and real but if it were me considering placing a baby for adoption this is what I would want to see...no fluff...just real stuff...

She said "I've seen people tell me after the fact, "Had I known the information, had I heard your story, I would have placed my child [for adoption] and they would have had a better life." I've had people who have had abortions tell me "Had I had accurate and current information, had I heard your story, I would have made a different choice." 

"God was using me to find his family. On this mortal side of things it looks like I shared him with them, but in reality they shared him with me. And the reason is because I needed him too. God got 2 birds with 1 stone: Justin had to go home, but he saved my life on the way." -Tamra

**BTW if you need to mute the playlist on my blog it's located all the way on the bottom of the right side of it:)

My Baby, Not my child...

I just watched these videos a friend had posted on Facebook and they are nothing short of amazing and I just had to share...

The clips are from a woman who is now a birth-mother (a strong,selfless,inspiring birthmother!), how she ended up choosing adoption, why she chose adoption, and the process of thought that occurs for someone going through this...she had chronicled her pregnancy through photos which you will see with in...

**The videos all together are around 7 minutes so nothing to lengthy and if the playlist is already playing on this blog as you are reading you can pause it by scrolling to the bottom of the blog where it is located....

Agape Love....

I just watched this video today for the first time and thought I would share...It's beautiful.

I also saw this poem where I found this video and there are no words except it is nothing short of amazing....

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
—- Unknown

The Road to Adoption...

For some reason I have felt "Impressed" to re-post this post from July 2011...I wrote it on a friends blog but I feel like I am supposed to post it and then bring it up to date...I am not sure why I feel I should share this post but I do know it does convey so many feelings we have felt and I know that it relates to many  of you who have gone through these difficulties of infertility and failed placements...who knows maybe a birthmother is supposed to read this...

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2011

The Road to Adoption...

Hey everyone...My name is Deanna and Stacey has asked me to share my story thus far about our adoption journey...Stacey and I have met because of adoption and I am so thankful about that.  She has been so wonderful to guest post for me on my blog The LDS Adoption Connection and has helped so many to know what it is like to adopt and what it is like to struggle with infertility.  She has asked me to talk about my blog too but I will post that in another post since this one is a little lengthy...lol... 

Where do I begin...I will say for starters that I never in a million years thought I would be on this road...the Adoption Road that is...but I will say that now that I have found it and have been on it for some time, that I know I am going the way that Heavenly Father wants me to go...He is involved every step of the way...

James and Deanna

How did I get on this road you may ask....Well I guess like all do...we wanted to have a baby...lol...My story is a little unusual but typical in some ways. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have tried to "get pregnant" from the start.  I think because I had my daughter prior (she is 10yrs old) to meeting my husband I never though that we would have any issues getting pregnant since I had her.   So for 5 long years we have tried...with no avail - zero pregnancies...the Doctors can not explain why we can't get pregnant...we have had ALL the testing you can...everything is in perfect working order...we even tried assitance...and obviously I can carry a baby full term but still nothing...so this had put us at a real crossroads. 

The pain of infertility is a very lonely one.  One that I have to say in the LDS culture is even harder.  I didn't grow up in the Church so when I had Abbe (my daughter) I was "young" by society standards...but in LDS culture to be 33 yrs old and still be trying is not the typical, at least if you are in a ward like mine (a ward with over 190 children in the primary alone).    Many assumed that we didn't have kids since they assumed we were younger or had not realized that we have Abbe or they would say oh you must not want to have kids or have any more kids...little did they know that our hearts ached inside to have more children and if they only knew.  People can say some really stupid things when they just don't know.  For a long time it was hard for me to relate to women my age at church because many were "done" having kids or saying they wanted to have their tubes tied.  During this time I was called into the Primary, so it became even harder.  But even though it had been hard or still is sometimes I know it wasn't any of their faults.  They didn't know how I felt.  I barely spoke with anyone about it.  It's one of those subjects that you just feel alone.

The 3 of Us in Cabo San Lucas

During this time James (my husband) and I really struggled with the thoughts of our family.  Before we got married we wanted to have a big family.  Ideally, I wanted to have 5 children but time was working against us.  I wanted Abbe to be closer in age to her siblings and that was not happening.  We began to think maybe this is it.  With every month that went by sadness followed...it was often an unspoken sadness.  At one point (about 2 or 3 yrs in) I felt like maybe we are supposed to adopt.  I have cousins who are adopted so I have never had any issues with adopting but the timing wasn't right.  At that point we still hadn't done a ton of fertility testing and James still felt like we should and I agreed...it made sense.  Little did I know we would have some pretty severe emotional trials hit us right after that and it would not have been the time to adopt.  Abbe needed us and she needed all of our focus.  That struggle made us better, more understanding, more patient, and more resilient.  Our Testimonies of the Savior where also strengthened during that time...

The 3 of Us on Abbe's Baptism May  2010

Around early Spring of 2010 I felt compelled to speak about the possibility of adopting with James again...our conversation was kinda one sided...me saying I feel prompted about this...him saying I don't know...I kinda dropped it but asked him if he would pray about it...I was quiet about it for a bit and then one Sunday night we were getting ready for bed and he randomly said yeah I feel we should too...I was elated and teary at the same time...he said he had received confirmations about it multiple times over the weekend...

With that we called LDS Family to begin the process...Through out the process of becoming certified we had many confirmations that this was the right thing to do...that we were supposed to be adopting.  We became certified in September of 2010.  In October of 2010 on a Tuesday LDS Family had called us saying that a woman had chosen us and the baby had been born in September and wanted to place with us that Saturday.  We had a ton of emotions going on to say the least...we were excited and worried at the same time...we were closing on a bigger home at that exact moment and were thinking OMG how are we going to do this but knew it would all work itself out it always did...unfortunately that Friday LDS Family called again with sad news...they could not verify the birth of the baby...yeah you can imagine how we felt...it was a huge blow and hard...worst part was we had to explain to Abbe...it was hard for us but equally hard for her...she thought she was going to have a brother that weekend....but it wasn't meant to be...the timing was not right...so we went on with our lives and luckily I had a new home and moving to help distract me...

Picture Omitted for privacy of K

 Deanna and K and Little Axton (in her tummy)

Then in May 2011, we randomly had a woman named K contact me through parent profiles. (I know this was an answer to a prayer and I wrote about it on my personal blog)  She was the first and only contact we have had.  It only took one...K chose us to be the parents of Axton (the name we have chosen for the baby boy she is carrying) this past May.   One of the things that struck her was that we had a daughter named Abbe and She too has a daughter named Abbi so you can imagine how special that is to her.  She is truly amazing and the most strong and selfless person I know.

Axton is set to be born in the beginning of October and we can't wait to meet him. We know Heavenly Father chose K for us and us for K.  We have seen His hand at work and it is amazing.  I am so thankful for adoption.  I am so thankful that the Lord has led our family on this journey...this wasn't the way I thought it would be, but His plans are ALWAYS better and I am excited to see what else is He has in store for us...

Fast forward looking back as of Dec 2012

Things turned out WAYYYY different than we ever imagined when I wrote this for my friends blog...Shortly after K had changed her mind to place with us (see post for whole story)...We were devastated to say the least...We still know that we were supposed to meet K...she placed with an LDS Family because we helped her connect to LDS Family Services and for that I will always be thankful to Heavenly Father for allowing us to be their connection...It was a hard time, we were so confused and felt like we had invested so much of our hearts and didnt know how to recover or be excited about adoption again....to top it off I was writing and running the LDS Adoption Connection Blog and it was getting harder and harder for me to see placements and be excited for others even though I wanted to be....

Christmas lights at the Mesa Temple 2011

In the Fall of 2011, we were contacted by a few more birth-mothers and had even corresponded but it wasn't the right fit for them or us...some were even trying to decide if they could parent another child since they already had children..Our hearts ached for them as they struggled with this...At the end of the year we had decided to stop paying for parent profiles since we were feeling so over it but left up our itsaboutlove profile...I am not sure how to describe that, I mean you want children but you feel "over it" because the pain and emotional toll the journey can make you feel...we just kinda went into hiding/silence when it came to the Baby Adoption Topic with everyone...

At this Point we Decided to put our focus on some other things and work on ourselves more...Just when we were feeling good...well maybe not good, more like resolved I should say...I mean our Adoption Certification was needing to be renewed with the state this past Spring (2012), but we were not wanting to focus on it due to the pain we felt about it...we decided to just let it lie/lapse and then out of the blue when we were out of state on a trip we were being contacted about a placement situation...one that required us to make an immediate decision if we were interested...there were so many messy-mixed up feelings that resurfaced for us that we thought we had dealt with...this was hard...so we prayed because we had no idea what to do...we felt like we were in a stupor....we needed the Lord to tell us what to do and he did...this was not our baby...Not many people know about this situation that happened for us but we have never felt like we made the wrong choice...Over this past year we have been thru a lot of growing and healing... we have been at ups and downs about the growth of our family and  got to the point where we felt like IVF was the only way to go and had even set an appt and back out because Heavenly Father is saying uh-uh no not that way....

St Louis, November 2012

So that brings us to now (Dec 2012) were we are almost done with re-certifying and we wait...Adoption isn't always just about getting just a baby...any baby...it's about finding YOUR baby..OUR baby.  

**Btw at the time I had written the original post above LDS Adoption Connection was a blog that I took care of but since have passed this blog to others to facilitate last fall (2011)...I am now going to be helping with the FSA Phoenix Blog and LDS Adoption Connection once again, so be on the lookout for new exciting posts that will soon be happening on these blogs! -Deanna

Getting the word out... that we want to adopt!

Well we have had a busy few weeks since we decided to get ourselves re-certified for adoption...the good news is that it sounds that it may go WAY faster than we anticipated and many parts are able to be pulled up off our past information! I have been busy updating all of our paperwork...but as of this coming Monday all will be done on our end for it and then we get a visit from our caseworker to finish up our home study and we wait for the state to approve!!!  This has been going way faster than last time, that is for sure...but maybe it's because we have been around the block before....lol

Last night, I met up with an adoption group that I had been part of last year.  Many of the girls that were in this adoptive group before have been placed with and have moved away with exception to one I knew before...It was fun to get out and be able to talk about everything that has gone on since and I got to meet a bunch of new women I had never met...some placed with and some that just literally got certified.  What I did realize after last night was that I needed to get new pass-a-long cards!  I was thinking I would wait to have these made again until we got certified again so we could have our parent profile link on it, but after last night I realized that was just stupid!  I mean seriously a birth-mom can still pick us before we are fully certified (they just have to designate that they choose us with LDS Family Services) and someone could know of a situation and if people don't know they won't know to tell them we are looking to adopt.  So with that I created and ordered some today...Here is a sneak peak but I wish I could show the back to you too since it will have some picts on it too...oh well...lol

This past weekend we got to have a fun adventure with my family and were in Tucson for the Weekend.  My Uncle was receiving an award and we got to visit with everyone including my sister Mandi who lives in St. Louis now and a bunch of my family that also lives there.  It was absolutely gorgeous with the weather...none of us were complaining that is for sure! 

We even got to get dressed up!  

This week James and I went shooting....He usually goes without me since he likes to go hunt and that is way to early in the morning for this night owl and I am not the most fun person when I have to sit and just wait and be quiet and do nothing but look in the desert for a possible animal, but this time we had an old TV and a bunch of junk that he had set aside to shoot in the desert.  It was a lot of fun!

Lastly, this week we had some Christmas fun with Abbe...We got some gingerbread houses and decorated them!  Abbe of course picked the one I had to assemble (a train one)...go figure...lol...after we joked about how James made the biggest mess in the end...he is usually teases Abbe and I to be careful and then he is the one that makes the mess. 

LDS Adoption Connection: Beautiful...this video is...

I had posted this video on  LDS Adoption Connection this week and I just love it so much I had to add it!

Prayer Trading in Adoption

So last night I came across a DVD that I had gotten at the Adoption Conference that James and I attended for our certification to Adopt. It was a copy of the FSA 2009 National Conference...What a little gem this has turned out to be for me...

The Key note speaker was Troy Dunn (The Locator)...His story and testimony of Adoption is pretty cool...His mother and his youngest brother were both adopted. What struck me the most is what his Mother always said to him and his siblings,

"She said, 'There is something that is called prayer trading, and we're going to trade prayers with somebody. Somewhere out there is a girl praying for a good family for her baby. We are going to pray for a good tummy with a baby in it, and we are going to answer each others' prayers.' "

She said that they were looking for someone to "Trade Prayers" with their family in their quest to find his brother Travis. He said now they always call it "Prayer Trading."

What a cool way to look at it! We as adoptive couples pray to have a child come to us, to have a birth-mother choose us and at the same time a birth-mother prays to find the right family for her baby and to have the courage to place her baby with that family. We pray for a baby to love and she prays for the baby to know that she loved them SO much that she placed them for adoption. It is truly is Trading Prayers...both prayers are answered...

Pass a long cards!

I just received our pass along card proofs...I should have them next week! looking to adopt...Alot of people including some I know have had their birthmom find them because they had received a card like one of these from someone they knew that knew of the family. Including this couple's blog that I follow. Click Here to read their story!

Adoption Video

I came across this today and it is such a cool perspective...Birthmom's are such amazing people...

LDS Adoption Connection

So this is pretty exciting...I am going to be an administrator with 2 other women who are hoping to adopt as well with the LDS Adoption Connection Blog. This should be awesome...Another way to get exposure and meet others that are going through what we are...It's going to be great!!!

Adoption Blog Button!

Hey everyone...I finally have figured out how to make one of these...Can you all post It on your blogs for us! the link is in the side bar...just post the code in a html gadget if you don't know how to do it... Thanks for all your help!!!

So Cute!!!

Are these the cutest or what! My friend Jaymie made this little treat with some candy inside. She just adopted the sweetest little boy and today, I got to meet little Nixon. Jaymie is part of our Adoptive Mom/Hoping to Adopt group and us girls just had to go visit her! I really love being part of this group. At first I felt a little awkward but now I really look forward to our get together's. If you know people who are looking to adopt they should really find a little group like this to be in. I am not quite sure whose idea it was to have us girls hang out but I just love it. It has helped so much to talk with other women who have adopted or are hoping to adopt and the struggles, challenges and blessings it brings. Each of us brings so much to the group and I am truly grateful for each of you...Brielle, Kris, Elise, and Jaymie...Thanks for making it great!

Adoption Dessert...

So my friend Elise sent me and a couple other friends who are wanting to adopt or have adopted this great Story. Elise is a truly remarkable girl and she is so resilient. Recently her and her husband went through an extremely painful trial and my heart hurts for her. She is so strong and faithful. I know that Heavenly Father will bless her with their baby so that she can be the wonderful mother that my friends and I know she already is. Thanks Elise for sending this! We are all thinking of you....


"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breathe. That's all you can do. You breathe and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you. If you look, you can see him there."

You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way... the waiting, the crying, the agony....it's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Infertility

I came across this article today titled "The Bible and the Pain of infertility" by Kimberly and Philip Monroe. It is really good to hear what others have to say that have been there...Sometimes I am not sure if it is enlightenment or self-torture to read all the baby and adoption blogs that I do. I have been having a hard time with everything lately in our quest to have children. Sometimes I don't update our blog as much as others in fear of putting to much out there.

James and I have been going through some further fertility testing because we have not had anything happen still and have thought that maybe there was something wrong that they didn't catch before. The results have been more upsetting than assuring. Both of us have absolutely nothing wrong that they can detect. Supposedly everything is 100% in working order. While I may seem insensitive to those that have diagnosis' of something that makes them incapable of becoming pregnant or something that makes them have to have IVF I certainly don't mean to be, because I truly do feel their pain in many ways and never would want to compare my struggle to theirs. They are both so hard.

It's like when we heard the results I just wanted to hear "yes this is the problem and this is how we are going to tackle it". I know it is wrong to feel that but I did when instead we heard "there is no reason you shouldn't be able to conceive". My first thought was "well then what is the deal here it's been almost 5 years!" Then the Dr. went through our options of what we should do. We decided to do a round of IUI.

During those 2 weeks that we waited to find out the results we were contacted by an agency looking to place and by a wonderful couple that were needing to place their 2 sweet grandsons. The agency was looking for LDS couples to place with but wanted us to use them but the birthmother had't even seen our profile yet. So that was a no go. The couple looking to place were admirable to say the least. How amazing that they are willing to sacrifice in order to ensure there 2 little grandchildren were raised in a strong LDS home. We just were not sure if this was the right fit for us but I pray that they will find the right family for them.

Well after all of that we found out that the IUI failed. The Dr. was very hopeful but still nothing...this is has been really hard to handle. Church that day was even harder. I serve as Primary Secretary for a giant primary (191 children the last we counted)and had to be there even though it was hard for me to go and then the talks were about Parenting...needless to say I didn't make it through...Luckily, I had an amazing sister cover for me. She was just what I needed because I didn't know how I was going to make it that day. It's hard to talk about infertility with friends...It's definitely one of those topics that no one can get unless they have been there. I would never wish it upon anyone. I am not sure why we have to have this struggle but I am really glad that I have the Gospel because I am not sure how I would deal if I didn't.

Anyways, here is that article:

http://www.ccef.org/sites/default/files/pdf/monroes-infertility.pdf

Update

So I must apologize that I haven't posted in a bit there has been a lot going on this past few holiday months. For starters we moved to a a new bigger home. We are still really close to our old one but we have been looking for a bigger home for about 2 years now and finally found one at a great deal.

In the midst of dealing with all the loan stuff we thought we were going to be adopting but it turned out the girl never had a baby or at least LDS family services could not verify she actually did. Talk about crazy emotional roller coaster. LDS family called on Tuesday and said you have been chosen and the baby is born and the birth-mom is wanting to place on Saturday to we don't think she ever had a baby by Friday...pretty tough pill to swallow...luckily, I have some really great girlfriends...I didn't talk much about this back in November but I wasn't ready... we were really bummed about it... guess it wasn't meant to be... It was probably best that I was distracted right after with our new home. So that is much of the reason we have not posted in a while.

As for everything else though life is good...we had Christmas morning And celebrated new years in our new home with my family and still was able to make cookies with my sister that week! I really love our new home, it feels so much more like us and already feels cozy. It definitely is my new project. I think the only room I feel is done is abbe's and my kitchen. Go figure, but that is fine I have plenty of time now that abbe is back in school...lol...

Certified!!!

So, Hannah just called today and we are officially Certified with the State to Adopt! YAY! We are so excited...our site is live.

https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/24628056/ourMessage.jsf

We have decided to Adopt!

Well, It's true.  We have decided to adopt...It's official...well an official decision that is.  After promptings, prayers and waiting, we know that this is what Heavenly Father wants for us and our family.  We are excited for this process to begin and to see where it brings us and our family.  

I know some of you may take this as a total surprise since we haven't talked about this to many people yet...not even most of our family (with exception of Mom's and Dad's)...we just wanted to be sure we were sure...and we wanted to make sure we told Abbe in a special way before letting everyone know...It's been a long 4 yrs of trying and to no avail (not even a pregnancy) to grow our family...which I know only some even know that. 

It had been hard for us to talk about it at times...especially with everyone we knew was either pregnant/ getting pregnant/ or better yet they were on baby 2 or 3...not to mention all the showers...but we have believed that Heavenly Father always knows why we must be challenged and tried and that our "Greatest Trials often bring our Greatest Triumphs."  We have just been being prepared.

We have already met with LDS Family Services so that we can get the ball rolling and get certified.  Our case worker Hannah has been really helpful.  We are really excited and can't wait to meet the little one that will come to us!