"Prayer"

I kept feeling like I was supposed to re-post this post from our personal private blog, so here it is...  I wrote these thoughts quite some time ago...  March 2,  2010 to be exact...right around the time that we first decided to look into adoption...  Isn't crazy how you can write something, have an experience with it and then go back and it is all new to you again like you never wrote it...lol...

As I looked up the video to this post (linked below) It felt so different to me...I instantly thought about our quest to grow our family and how I have prayed and prayed and prayed and how my prayers have grown but then when I read my words below they truly felt profound...I am truly grateful for the peace prayer has given me...

Prayer is the one thing that no matter how alone we may feel or how bad a situation may be that we always have access to...We may not always get the answers we want but we always feel comfort from the Lord...

"Miracle's are wrought through Prayer"

March 2, 2010

I just listened to this little Mormon message and President Thomas S. Monson spoke about prayer. It spoke about how prayer changes things and he said that "Miracle's are wrought through prayer." It is interesting that I just listened to this message because last week I was reading an old Ensign from 2007 and it was speaking about prayer and really hit home to me. It said how Prayer many times isn't about praying for everything that we want...it is about communicating with Heavenly Father so that we can be at peace and one with what he wants for us and then and only then are we able to ask for what he wants to Bless us with....The blessings are there we just have to align ourselves properly for it.

** to Pause the music on this blog scroll down and on right side you will see the playlist**

**I think this is the Ensign article I was referencing as well...**

What's mine is yours...

I heard this song a few weeks back but now it has so much more meaning...beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time since Emerson's placement did not exactly end as we had hoped for...Everyday is really hard but each day I feel stronger and it becomes more manageable...I know the Lord has a plan for all of this and He teaches us so much during our hardest trials...I am grateful for those Blessings even though I am so over having trials...




Below is a series of videos that tell the story that inspired the song to be written above...I have felt so many of the feelings that Addie decribes in these videos through out our journey to grow our family...for those that have never adopted, don't know much about it, don't know how to understand, don't know what to say to someone like me or are adopting these videos are really amazing...they are pretty short and worth the watch...

IT IS... ok to feel...

Well, I was sitting here and thinking and realized I have had something change in me recently. All of a sudden I feel not afraid to put it out there...let me explain. When we first decided to adopt I was scared and embarrassed to talk about why we had decided to adopt...I don't mean we had any issues with the part of loving a child as our own that we adopted...I mean more of the part of having to talk about my feelings and with strangers, having to say that we have issues somehow in the reproducing department, especially when you are in a ward like mine which could be known as a baby factory..lol. I didn't want to have to tell anyone I was hurting or feel as if I was the one with the problem needing the ear.

Now you have to understand that I am the friend that is typically the "tough girl" emotionally. I love to talk and I love to tell it like it is...I have no problem sharing how I feel about someone or something and showing affection. But, when it comes to sharing my insecurities or a not so obvious problem with anyone...now that is really REALLY hard for me. It's even hard sometimes for me to tell my Mom when I feel sad unless it is obvious. I have always been the type of girl that ran as fast as I could away from having to think about something that is emotionally sad for me. I have been the master of distraction in this department. I have been through alot of difficult things emotionally and gotten thru with it being the tough girl. But with this I can't be. I have to think about it...If I avoid it I won't have what I want and my children may not get to me.

At first I was unsure how to talk about it or acted like I didn't really care about certain stuff (code for me not wanting to feel at the risk of feeling sad)and just felt like we will just do what we can and go on...but now I feel like, "why was I like that?" Maybe because I didn't feel I really belonged in the group with the other couples hoping to adopt or who had adopted since I had given birth to a baby before.

I felt like why would someone want to pick us to care for their baby if there are people who have never had a baby and I had? Even though James has never had the baby experience why would they want us since we have Abbe? (Abbe was 4 when James and I met) I felt bad for having felt what it was like to have a baby...I felt like I didn't deserve to be with these other women who some know why they hadn't conceived.

But, what I have realized is that all of us that are wanting to Adopt, all have worthy reasons. I have realized that IT IS ok to be sad that I can't for some reason conceive a child with James and that I wish more than anything that we could but know that is not Heavenly Father's plan right now. I have to remember that IT IS ok that I feel sad that when I think about when I had Abbe that not everything was perfect or ideal. That IT IS ok that I wish I could have been in a more prepared state when I had Abbe. That IT IS ok for me to feel sad at the thought that I would have savored every moment when I was pregnant with Abbe if I had known I may not ever have that again. IT IS ok that I feel sad that James is the absolute Love of my Life and I have not been able to experience this with him. IT IS ok for me to want this for us and for it to be hard emotionally. IT IS ok for me to talk about it.

I feel that Heavenly Father obviously knows why we are to go through this and why I have to work through these feelings and can't just run and hide under the covers. I know that this has made me stronger already...I do sometimes think I wish Heavenly Father would give us a break a bit...lol...if its not one struggle it's another. I wonder sometimes what His purpose is for me in all of this.

I wonder what will come...How will we look back on this in 5 years...I wonder what we will say about this time in our life. I guess if I look back at my life even 2 yrs ago it would have been hard/almost impossible for me to see how beautifully everything has fallen into place from then...back then we had some really hard trials emotionally and I know now without a doubt I am one strong woman to make it through that...there were days that it was so hard for me to see past tomorrow ...But I do know that I would have never gotten through if it weren't for Heavenly Father that I could turn to...A Heavenly Father who gave me a wonderful family...A wonderful Family who blessed me with the most wonderful husband that loves Abbe and me more than anything...

So as I ramble, I know that IT IS ok to do all that I can to help our birthmom to find us and us her and find our baby. I don't need to be embarrassed or feel weird about it...I should be proud that she is out there caring for our sweet little baby that will soon be here and that we want to find her. IT IS ok.

Adoption Dessert...

So my friend Elise sent me and a couple other friends who are wanting to adopt or have adopted this great Story. Elise is a truly remarkable girl and she is so resilient. Recently her and her husband went through an extremely painful trial and my heart hurts for her. She is so strong and faithful. I know that Heavenly Father will bless her with their baby so that she can be the wonderful mother that my friends and I know she already is. Thanks Elise for sending this! We are all thinking of you....


"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breathe. That's all you can do. You breathe and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you. If you look, you can see him there."

You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way... the waiting, the crying, the agony....it's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Infertility

I came across this article today titled "The Bible and the Pain of infertility" by Kimberly and Philip Monroe. It is really good to hear what others have to say that have been there...Sometimes I am not sure if it is enlightenment or self-torture to read all the baby and adoption blogs that I do. I have been having a hard time with everything lately in our quest to have children. Sometimes I don't update our blog as much as others in fear of putting to much out there.

James and I have been going through some further fertility testing because we have not had anything happen still and have thought that maybe there was something wrong that they didn't catch before. The results have been more upsetting than assuring. Both of us have absolutely nothing wrong that they can detect. Supposedly everything is 100% in working order. While I may seem insensitive to those that have diagnosis' of something that makes them incapable of becoming pregnant or something that makes them have to have IVF I certainly don't mean to be, because I truly do feel their pain in many ways and never would want to compare my struggle to theirs. They are both so hard.

It's like when we heard the results I just wanted to hear "yes this is the problem and this is how we are going to tackle it". I know it is wrong to feel that but I did when instead we heard "there is no reason you shouldn't be able to conceive". My first thought was "well then what is the deal here it's been almost 5 years!" Then the Dr. went through our options of what we should do. We decided to do a round of IUI.

During those 2 weeks that we waited to find out the results we were contacted by an agency looking to place and by a wonderful couple that were needing to place their 2 sweet grandsons. The agency was looking for LDS couples to place with but wanted us to use them but the birthmother had't even seen our profile yet. So that was a no go. The couple looking to place were admirable to say the least. How amazing that they are willing to sacrifice in order to ensure there 2 little grandchildren were raised in a strong LDS home. We just were not sure if this was the right fit for us but I pray that they will find the right family for them.

Well after all of that we found out that the IUI failed. The Dr. was very hopeful but still nothing...this is has been really hard to handle. Church that day was even harder. I serve as Primary Secretary for a giant primary (191 children the last we counted)and had to be there even though it was hard for me to go and then the talks were about Parenting...needless to say I didn't make it through...Luckily, I had an amazing sister cover for me. She was just what I needed because I didn't know how I was going to make it that day. It's hard to talk about infertility with friends...It's definitely one of those topics that no one can get unless they have been there. I would never wish it upon anyone. I am not sure why we have to have this struggle but I am really glad that I have the Gospel because I am not sure how I would deal if I didn't.

Anyways, here is that article:

http://www.ccef.org/sites/default/files/pdf/monroes-infertility.pdf

We have decided to Adopt!

Well, It's true.  We have decided to adopt...It's official...well an official decision that is.  After promptings, prayers and waiting, we know that this is what Heavenly Father wants for us and our family.  We are excited for this process to begin and to see where it brings us and our family.  

I know some of you may take this as a total surprise since we haven't talked about this to many people yet...not even most of our family (with exception of Mom's and Dad's)...we just wanted to be sure we were sure...and we wanted to make sure we told Abbe in a special way before letting everyone know...It's been a long 4 yrs of trying and to no avail (not even a pregnancy) to grow our family...which I know only some even know that. 

It had been hard for us to talk about it at times...especially with everyone we knew was either pregnant/ getting pregnant/ or better yet they were on baby 2 or 3...not to mention all the showers...but we have believed that Heavenly Father always knows why we must be challenged and tried and that our "Greatest Trials often bring our Greatest Triumphs."  We have just been being prepared.

We have already met with LDS Family Services so that we can get the ball rolling and get certified.  Our case worker Hannah has been really helpful.  We are really excited and can't wait to meet the little one that will come to us!