My Baby, Not my child...

I just watched these videos a friend had posted on Facebook and they are nothing short of amazing and I just had to share...

The clips are from a woman who is now a birth-mother (a strong,selfless,inspiring birthmother!), how she ended up choosing adoption, why she chose adoption, and the process of thought that occurs for someone going through this...she had chronicled her pregnancy through photos which you will see with in...

**The videos all together are around 7 minutes so nothing to lengthy and if the playlist is already playing on this blog as you are reading you can pause it by scrolling to the bottom of the blog where it is located....

Sometimes you got to lose til you win...

Today when I was getting ready for the day I was listening to the playlist on this blog...I listen to it a lot...and every time I listen, it's like each song is talking to me..hence a lot of the song choices I have on there mean a lot to me...

(P.S. you may want to pause the playlist by scrolling to the bottom of the blog so that you may watch the videos if it is playing already)

I was listening to the song "Little Miss" by Sugarland and I feel like the little miss who they are talking about...I know in my past when I have gone through struggles and disappointments I have just hidden my head in the sand and stuffed things down...I was a master of distraction...I always have been...I would just work more because there was always plenty to do but now I don't work and am forced to deal with my emotions...In the song a big part of the chorus speaks of it being alright and sometimes you got to lose til you win...I know this to be true.  When we lose and get back up it makes us stronger and we often find things that we would have never looked for. The only failures in life are those that aren't willing to risk feeling hurt and failing again in order to get what they really want. The risk takers always eventually succeed...

After that song, the song "Because You Loved me" by Celine Dion came on and as I listened to the words in this song I instantly thought of James and how I feel like he has taken such amazing care of me...every part of this song made me think of him...It made me think of the Savior too. Yes, I know its' Celine Dion and it's a kinda mushy song, well really mushy song but the words are what matter...

James has been like the Savior for me too in this and without him I don't know how I could have managed recently...I know this song talks in past tense but I have felt as if He has been everything I have needed and I know Heavenly Father has chosen him for me...Sometimes people may not see all that I see or what our extended family see's him do for me and our immediate family.  This failed placement has not just crushed me its been extremely painful for him as well...He has been the one that had to speak to others when I couldn't, even when his pain was just as real as mine...Men are often expected to be the tough strong ones and he has such incredible strength...strength that until now I have never seen to this extent...I love him so much and just when I think I am full somehow how I love him more.

James is working in Vegas this week and this morning he sent me this video below on Facebook to me. He knows how I feel and what I need...I am so eternally grateful that my husband is faithful and Believes.  I am thankful he loves me and Abbe so...I am thankful he will be the father to all my children to come and is the man he is...I am thankful for his strength for me.  I know that even though we have felt incredible loss with this I still do feel as though I have won in a way for what i have learned and seen...For this I am grateful. 

Moving forward...

I sit here thinking a lot has happened since Friday...I mean as in progress for me and our grief over our failed placement reversal...those are tough words to say...I am not sure why we had to experience this exactly but know that I have learned a lot...I feel way more compassion and understanding for others...I feel more love and closer to the Lord...I am thankful for that

Today, I had to go to LDS Family Services and pick up our car seat and diaper bag....it had been sitting there for two weeks...They needed it to bring Emerson Back to california and til today I couldn't even bring myself to get it...It made it more real that we don't have a baby but I did ok...I do feel ok with moving forward to find our other babies...On Friday our Itsaboutlove profile went live again and we are now officially up and running on Parent Profiles.

Everyday, I am able to do a little bit more and even though it hurts, I still love the thought of our next baby coming to us...the baby that will be with us always...it still stings to think of Emerson not being with us but I know God uses all things/experiences to work for our good and I am thankful for the family he is with and our connection to them...

Sometimes I feel like I hope our next baby is a girl just so I don't feel pain of what just occurred by having a girl but I know that won't  necessarily make the pain go away any better than having a boy...that pain part will just take time...

In the adoption world it is really easy to say you want one sex over the other...you don't get to choose the sex when you are pregnant so why should we choose the sex when we are adopting...we know that whether our next baby is a boy or girl we will love them the same and soooo much...that part I can't wait for...the part where you can just love them up, look at them, and hold them...

I am so thankful for all of our friends that are trying so hard to help us get the word out by passing our blog, liking our Facebook page, and with pass-a-long cards!  We know that our birth mom and baby are out there...she may even be reading this now...we know that our blog has been seen by many now and has even been passed to some birth moms...

So for now we sit and wait again...I will say that those that know me really well will know I don't like waiting at all...patience I think you are sometimes born with (those people are really blessed with that gift) or it is something you have to learn over and over and over (like for me) but I know that the Lord always does everything in the right time and that thankfully gives me more strength to endure the wait...

Agape Love....

I just watched this video today for the first time and thought I would share...It's beautiful.

I also saw this poem where I found this video and there are no words except it is nothing short of amazing....

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
—- Unknown

What's mine is yours...

I heard this song a few weeks back but now it has so much more meaning...beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time since Emerson's placement did not exactly end as we had hoped for...Everyday is really hard but each day I feel stronger and it becomes more manageable...I know the Lord has a plan for all of this and He teaches us so much during our hardest trials...I am grateful for those Blessings even though I am so over having trials...




Below is a series of videos that tell the story that inspired the song to be written above...I have felt so many of the feelings that Addie decribes in these videos through out our journey to grow our family...for those that have never adopted, don't know much about it, don't know how to understand, don't know what to say to someone like me or are adopting these videos are really amazing...they are pretty short and worth the watch...