I just came across this video...it has got to be the most touching video regarding adoption and placement that I have ever seen.  It truly shows the selflessness and love that a birthmother has for her baby. Not to mention the unwavering strength to go through this sacrifice for her baby.

The Gift from Jared Fadel on Vimeo.

Back in the Saddle....

Yes...You guessed right.  If I am writing on this blog well then something must be happening or going on with us re: adoption.  We have decided that we are ready again...Ready that is to get back in the saddle so to say.  We have been absent from the adoption world for some time since our failed placement in the summer of 2011.

Truth be told that was way harder on me/us than I realized and I had to work through some of it by taking a break.  I tried so hard after to be ok and move on quickly but it was all just getting sooo hard to bare...especially when during your pain you see almost ALL your adoption friends be placed with, some had even adopted again, and then everyone you know becoming pregnant again...I needed a break.  I did what I do best... I ran away...lol...I had to distract myself and forget about it for a while...I needed time to heal and gain myself back...

By no means has this time away from the adoption world meant for one second we didn't want to have children...it just meant we needed to distract ourselves, I guess you could say.  It's like you are constantly trying to fill a void anyway you can...trying all things...you name it I probably thought of it... but the truth is...that the void that you so desperately want to fill can only be filled one way and unfortunately you have zero control. Zero control and two Ruby personalities!...lol...(unless you've been to FSTS with www.danijohnson.com you won't know what a Ruby is but don't worry you can always go and find out...)

The thing is, is that no one can understand how it feels unless "you know how it feels" to go through these types of extreme emotional ups and downs and then more ups and downs.  Last Fall, after the dust settled from our grief we had come to the conclusion that we would just do IVF this fall and not have to deal with the heartbreak that came through adoption...but then something in me kept saying uh uh... the same feeling has always been saying NO uh uh!  That's right...no. I can't explain it...  In-vitro is not how our children are supposed to come to us.

"Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite."

 Psalms 147:5

So we are back to where we were just two years ago... those of you that already know me know that I am not pregnant obviously nor have I ever been able to get pregnant since I had Abbe almost 12 years ago...God is choosing to have us wait still...to search and to rely on Him to help us...In this year I have learned to rely on Him alot more...to seek Him for understanding...He is the only one that can bring our children to us...He is who brings children to childless...He is who makes barren women conceive (btw no women in the bible stay barren forever, I have read all re: this topic and reread many times) and He is the one that brings His children to their Homes here...He does all of it...He is who I am laying all of my trust in...not in ivf, not in my own ability or control but in Him...

"Every word of God is Pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him" 

Proverbs 30:5 

So here we are again at square one....we have to do everything over again.  What do I mean by that?  Well, we have to start from scratch and get Certified to Adopt again.  Our state certification was up for renewal this past February and at that point we were not in a place emotionally to go through the process of updating it so we didn't.  In retrospct maybe that wasn't the best choice since that would have been alot easier in re: to paperwork.  So that means we begin again...This time I feel with more understanding of His will...This time with more resources to help us...This time knowing way way more people to help us spread the word so that a birth mom knows we are wanting to adopt (hint hint friends and lookie lou's)...This time knowing how to take action on our Faith...And most importantly, This time until we have our family.

So over it already...

I know many of you out there have probably thought I dropped off the earth in the past few months since I have gone absent from the blog world for some time...Not the case at all but I just haven't been up to blogging about this subject for a while and still honestly kinda don't want to since it is painful for me but figure I should say something...This has just been really hard to deal with...not being placed with yet...still never getting pregnant...everyone around us becoming pregnant (some without trying/some with barely trying/some not even wanting to be)...or the fact that we still haven't been placed with...yeah I know "pity party"...sorry...

I just haven't been able to deal or think about any of this lately because it just hurts to much and if I feel like this I just avoid what ever I don't want to deal with at all costs (not sure if that has always been best but it has always been my survival mechanism)...so there you have it...Because of this I have been working alot on me...getting through this challenge/struggle/trial/ whatever you call it has taken a real toll on my confidence/feelings/ and my ability to feel optimistic about people and circumstances...I have had to focus my time elsewhere for the moment for my sanity and luckily we have started a new business that has been helping me stay distracted.  Distraction is and always has been a good thing for me...

Now, I know for those of you that read this and know me personally, please do not take this post as a reason to feel sorry for me or try to come up to me and try to comfort me...I am not wired like that and sometimes it makes me feel worse (since it stirs up the feelings) and I don't really like it.  Sometimes, I just need to say how I feel to get it off my chest and go forward and I think that is what this is...

I just was looking at some of my friends blogs and one of them had posted this...I had found it on you tube a while back, but it's so good that I wanted to re-post it...our adoption agency is Itsaboutlove.org and this strong woman placed though them...

Attracting what I want....

I will have to say that even though our placement had failed in July I have still felt incredibly "Nesty" ...this is what my mom has said to me a couple times...I have to admit I feel like I have to get it done and now...Let me explain...All this summer when we thought we were going to be placed with, I was in Kansas City...away from home so I could never even start our baby's room...I had planned to do that this month...But then when we learned that our placement had turned into a failed placement I didn't have to endure the feelings that our nursery was missing that baby...I hope I am making sense...I mean when I think of the baby K was carrying I think of a baby named Axton (this was the name we chose for him) and he did not have a nursery yet so I don't have any feelings of sadness when I go into the room that we have planned for a baby to be in. I truly feel that the Lord planned it that way for me so that I wouldn't have any thoughts of a failed placement or furniture that was meant for him.

I have felt excited about this room and I have felt that their is an amazing girl out there right now that may even be reading this and that is carrying a baby and that this will be their baby's room...I know if I was her I would want to know that the family I was choosing was prepared for a baby...that this family couldn't wait to love and cherish them and that they thought of all the special details for their room and that they wanted it to be just perfect for them.

I am also a big believer in that we attract what we truly want in our lives and I have to make that room be what it is supposed to be...our baby's room...Abbe's sister's room or Abbe's brother's room...Then they will come...We just have to find them, by finding the wonderful woman who is caring for them... She will be one amazing strong, selfless, persevering woman...and I can not wait to meet her. 

I also have to say that when James and I were looking for cribs this summer I was really conflicted about which one...James had said well whatever crib we buy we aren't going to buy a different one later if we have a girl since we were supposed to be adopting a boy...for me this was soooo hard...I didn't want a boy crib for a girl later but I didn't want a boy in a girl crib...uhg...I am very picky and we had decided on a crib but were going to order it in August...I have to be honest I felt like I settled a bit and now I look back and I am thankful that we never ordered it because just this past week I found the MOST BEAUTIFUL crib ever!  A Corsican crib! They are heirloom cribs and people spend a fortune on them.  A lady on Craigslist was selling it and it is absolutely EXACTLY what I would want and perfect for a girl or boy and better yet I got it for an absolute steal and it looks new!  Full price these cribs are just insane!...  I still can't believe what I only had to pay for it for but I know I was supposed to find it and that all of my future babies are supposed to be in it...

I will for sure post picts as soon as I have it assembled in our house and with bedding that I like.  These picts are of it when it was in the lady's house that I bought it from...Of course I will be having a totally different looking room and way different bedding but at least you get to see the crib...At the top of the post are finials which I am going to order different ones than it has so they aren't pictured...This crib had custom ordered airplane finials since it normally has stars but if its a girl I think I want a girly finial...if you want to see the options just google Corsican finials and they are on their site and they can come in any finish.

Again, you must remember the room I set up will be wayyy cuter and this is just to look at the crib only...nothing will be hanging off of it like in the picture...lol