Saturday, July 30, 2011

On the Lord's road...

 Picture found via online

Well, we are back to where we were...looking for the someone that is carrying the baby that is supposed to be in our family...I know many of you have probably been wondering how I have been doing since letting you know what happened...I figured I have been quiet long enough and I feel ok so I should start by saying that.  This is definately a different journey that we are having to go through and at times it feels so frustrating.  This has made me feel like I am so not in control...this process is hard...I wonder why this was supposed to happen...I mean I know it was supposed to...I know Heavenly Father already knew that this disappointment was going to occur but I also feel like "what was I supposed to learn?"  I have been feeling like maybe we should just do in-vitro to be honest but then when I think of that I feel like "then why did Heavenly Father have us feel prompted about adoption?"

Let me explain my thoughts there a little better.  Since James and I are 100% in working order fertility wise (all tests come back normal and working and on top of it I have carried a child full term), but since we have not achieved even one pregnancy together and that is has been over 5 years of trying to, we are technically considered to have unexplained infertility...but who knows what the real issue is since we have never done in-vitro...we have done other fertility treatment stuff but not the huge one "in-vitro"...recently I have felt really hurt and not in control and my knee jerk reaction just wants to go do it but then my gut keeps making me think "No Deanna Heavenly Father has a plan and all of this is part of it and you are supposed to adopt"...uhg...I mean uhg I can't just fix it now! Not uhg that our baby will come through adoption.  I just want our baby to be here...I wish I was more patient...   

Today, I was speaking to my best girlfriend in the whole entire world, It was her birthday...we have known each other for ever and have been through everything you can think of together...college, partying, dating happiness, death, marriage, sorrow, children, heartbreak,faith, you name it we have gone through it and she is the one person that understands more than anyone I know what it is like to want to go run out and control the situation our way and have to step back and say "ok GOD I know you want me to just stick it out and I know you have better plans than my plans and yes I know GOD I just have to sit back and wait and TRUST you!"  I was kinda venting about all my feelings about this and with her birthday we were talking about the obvious our age and I was just feeling like "Heavenly Father I don't want to be old when the rest of my babies come"...and I told her how I was feeling about the adoption process and the thought with in-vitro and how I was feeling conflicted about it...I said their is a reason I felt prompted and I don't want to go do that when this is what he wants for me...and after all in-vitro could still be unsuccessful...God is ultimately in control...God knows how this next child is supposed to come into our family...She was so great to talk to because at this point she just said in so many words "...well Deanna, I support and love you no matter what, and I know what it feels like to feel unsure of what the Lords will is and the wanting to follow His will...it is hard and I know you just want to do what the Lord wants for you...I know what its like to  feel that the Lord is telling you something and feel frustrated in the process but I do know the Lord knows what He is doing and His way is always best...

With that I guess I have a better answer...I have felt unsettled...I have felt unsure...I have felt frustration...I have felt sad...I have felt old even though I know I am still young...lol...but the biggest part I have felt is that I know that the Lord is here for me and He knows how I have felt and how I feel and that this is just part of His plan and I need to learn to TRUST Him even more...In the end it will all be for my good...and for that I am thankful...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sad News...



So today our caseworker from LDS Family called me and informed us that K has changed her mind and has decided not to place with us...I am not sure how to feel...I feel a little numb at the moment...But I do know that the only feelings I feel is sad and hurt...I do not feel mad or angry with K at all...I know this must have been hard for her and I would never want someone to place with us or make the biggest decision of their life if they weren't 100% sure...I know she never meant to hurt us and that this is such a difficult time in her life.  I wish her nothing but happiness and I do already forgive her for this hurt we feel.  I hope she does find the right family for her baby and that her heart is eased during this time since I know it is so hard.  I know that everything happens for a reason in the big picture and eventually we may know why but we may not and that is ok too...

The hardest part was having to tell Abbe today that K changed her mind and that she wasn't going to have a brother...she so can't wait to have a brother or sister and I already had to deliver this type of news once before already and I am not sure if I can do it again after this one...It's one thing for my heart to hurt but its another to have to tell Abbe something that I know will make hers hurt too...this is a part that I truly detest about adoption, I guess it is like a miscarriage except with this your child feels rejected even when you try to explain it in a way so they don't feel like that...No one can understand what that is like unless they have been there and I would never wish that on anyone...

I am not sure why this is but do know that Heavenly Father has a plan and I guess this is just part of it...I am thankful that I at least was with James and not back in Phoenix yet and with him still in KC to find this out...I know that this "is what it is" and that is why when LDS Family said they were going to re-post our profile unless we wanted some time I said no re-post it...I want it up...I now know that the baby that Kristy is pregnant with was not supposed to be our son...it was not supposed to be and I don't want anything we do (like having our profile on hold) to keep our baby from coming to our family.

Lastly,  I know that everyone (church/family/friends) knows that we had been matched and I know it could be hard to know what to say to me...I don't expect you to know...and I would rather just have you know how I feel so you don't have to ask me questions... that is why I write through my blog because some of this stuff is really hard for me to talk about with everyone at church or friends that I don't talk to everyday but I am thankful I have all of you, even if I don't talk about my feelings re: this all the time with you....hurt is hard and it is one thing I don't ever like to talk about with others until I am way healed and ready...I don't like to feel needy...but at the same time I will say it helps to know you care...that's all you have to say...

12/10/12 Update:
I want you the reader to know that K did in fact reach out to us after this...after she had her son in October...she did still place...she felt horrible and so sorry for our anquish that we suffered when she decided not to place with us...she decided to place with another family because we lived so far away and she felt she would never be able to visit on her own accord...Of course we already had forgiven her...It meant alot to me that she was worried about us and reached out...I was sad that she felt so bad...I know that K and I were supposed to meet...Her son that she placed is in a wonderful LDS family in her state and becuase we met she was using the agency we referred her to...LDS Family Services.  K is doing well now...and I think she feels at peace with her decision as far as I know...I know this is where her little boy was supposed to be and wish her and her family nothing but the best.

I have also omitted some of the previous posts in my blog in relation to K since they no longer seem appropriate and so that a potential new birth-mother didn't think we were already placed with.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Road to Adoption...

Hey everyone my Friend Stacey asked me to guest post on her blog so if you click below you can read the post...Thanks Stacey for inviting me!

What's mine is yours...

Amazing Birth-mother video of her placement....

Such a Time as this...